Truth

It has been awhile since I have written on here. I am sure not a lot of people read it anyways but that's ok. I have been dealing with a lot lately. I am in a fight with my sister, I am still mourning the loss of my dad which happened in January, I feel lonely and lost, I am trying to gain my self-esteem back that was broken, old friends are becoming enemies or just a distant memory, and I am a hurting, broken sinner. In the midst of all I am dealing with, I am feeling the grace of God each and every day. I was dealing with so much at once that it was easier to just be numb than to feel anything. But then I started feeling angry. I had turned cold to everyone. I didn't want to be like that anymore. I hated the world, everyone around me, and God. I thought that being numb was what I wanted but really it wasn't. So then here I am, the same person who didn't want to be broken anymore, asking God to break me. I wanted to feel something, anything. I wanted to feel like everything was out of control. I couldn't understand why I wanted that but I did. I gave it to God and now I feel a sense of peace about it. I don't always understand God's ways or how I am supposed to deal with a certain situation but I am trying to be optimistic. I mean God has never let me down before so why would He now? I would like to think that I am a natural pessimistic. But I have been trying to change my ways ever since my dad died. My first instinct is to think well crap here we go again. WHY GOD WHY?!?! I start thinking my life is over. You know all the dramatic stuff. Then I think now how can I make this postive God. I do not understand but you lead the broken. You heal the brokenhearted. The broken are the ones who are loved. Please God let me give it to you. Please oh God help me feel your grace and mercy. I hear you talk to me. Liz come to me. I am waiting for you. Why won't you talk to me?
I want to talk to you. I want you to give me your burdens. They are no longer yours. They are now mine. I love you and I miss you. I want to be there for you. You just have to trust me. Did you hear that? I love you! I want you! You are broken and you sin but I still want you! You have to trust me. Lean on me my child. I will be your comfort. So then I try to break free from the self-pity. I try to break free from the darkness. I see the picture in my head. God is fighting for me and so is Satan. God keeps pulling on me and so does Satan. I get tempted or I may even fall but God will always pull stronger on me. I was born to persevere. I was born to fight for what I believe is right. So I will fight in this battle with God until the end. Satan will not defeat me. He can tell me lies. But God will provide me truth. I just have to be strong and trust in my Lord Jesus who can save anyone from the depths of darkness and bring them into His light. Do not feel sorry for me my friend. God is on my side. Just keep praying that I keep seeing Truth.