Tomorrow Might Just Be Better

Time to think,
Time to clear my head.
I remember holding you,
Telling you I would always be there for you.
I remember loving you and losing you,
In the same breath.
I walked away without looking back.
I ask myself every day,
Did I make a mistake?
They say it hurts when you lose someone,
But they never tell you how much.
How can they tell you?
I fell in love for the first time.
I felt like you were mine.
I held you for so long.
I wondered if love had always felt like this.
Today it's hard.
Tomorrow might just be,
It might just be better.

Trust Him

I am realizing how easy it is to start worrying that I will get depressed again if I have bad days and if I go through a few days where I am just tired and sad. I assume that means I have gotten nowhere and I am back to square 1. I don't even know why it is a square. Why not a circle?

Anyways back to the point. We all have rough times. There are days when all I want to is stay in bed and pretend I don't have responsibilities. Who doesn't? But the truth is I have to keep telling myself it is a process and it won't change overnight. As much as I would like to be a different person with the snap of my fingers or a magic wand it doesn't work like that despite what Disney tells us.

Ok I love my life. I am constantly reminded how blessed I am with friends and adopted family. I have so many people who support me and want me to be better. I have a job to pay bills. I just got full time at work and to add on top of that I have a chance to use my degree and hopefully get out of my current job and go full time with this good job opportunity. I am intelligent, beautiful, honest, caring, loving, understanding, good listener, driven, hard working, easy going, fun, funny. I am learning to recognize my feelings and how to stay positive. I am realizing I must go through the bad to get to the good. So why do I let one day or going through a hard time bring me down and freak me out about getting into a depression again??

I am so used to when I fail or a hard time just throwing in the towel and saying well I give up. Now that I am still fighting for my happiness there are still old habits. Yeah you know that saying old habits are hard to break? Isn't it so true? Here I am, the most blessed girl in the world and all I can do is freak out if I have a bad day. Wow how silly. But that is what I do. I let fear shake me.

If any of you feel this way, first of all welcome to my world. Second, it doesn't have to be like that. We can choose to rise above it. You notice the world is getting darker? Yeah it is so easy to follow them. But we have a reason more than any other reason to feel light, in both meanings of the word. Jesus. Yeah he died for us but it is so much more than that. God has a plan for me. I go through everything for a reason. I don't have people in my life anymore for a reason. I learned what I needed to learn and now it shaped me and made me who I am now. The reason I am so awesome? Not to be cocky but confident. Come on you know I am. All these obstacles and failures have made me successful. Crazy I know but it is true.

I know that when  I freak out about little things God is up there laughing and thinking you really don't get it do you? We are human. Period. We mess up. We fail. And it is a good thing. And the world didn't end. We are stronger for it and better human beings because of it. I don't have it all figured out but I know that God has my back. I just need to stop stressing and trust Him.

Smile. Life is Fun

I am writing this blog with a smile on my face. I guess because not that I have it all figured out but the fact that I am just like ok God I know you want to use me for greatness so I am going to stop being so scared all the time. I am going to be courageous and stomp on fear's face. I made this new year's resolution. I never do cuz let's face it, it was always unrealistic. But when I made this new year's resolution I asked myself what I wanted more than anything in the entire universe and I thought to not be scared. So I went with No Fear 2011. At the beginning and up until a month ago, it was rough. I lost it and was in the darkest place I had ever been.

I have a hero and her name is Jillian Michaels. She is a famous fitness trainer and I trust her. Almost more than anyone I know. I think because she never candy coats anything. She tells me how it is. I started reading her book Unlimited out of desperation to just find something to snap me out of it. It was the cure for me. She didn't candy coat it and she made me realize that so what if we fail. The world isn't going to end. I love the people in my life but they never really try to snap me out of it. Compassion is great but I needed a slap in the face saying WAKE UP YOU FOOL!!! That was this book. It helped me to face things I had never knew were issues and helped me get to the root of all my problems. It was basically my therapy.

So here I am so happy. That doesn't mean things don't get hard. It also doesn't mean I don't have bad days because believe me I do. It just means I don't let it bring me down. I realize it has to happen for God's great plan or for me to become who I need to be. Also the greatest people of all time have adversity. I know my purpose. And I know how to deal and what to deal with that has been bringing me down. I finally feel like I am getting the hang of this real life thing.

Yes my job sucks and yes I have been hurt by people in my past. But the past is the past. I don't have those people in my life because I am striving for greatness and they were just in the way of that. I don't regret having them in my life because they helped shape me but it is time for me to move on. I am also cutting out people who only want me around when it is convenient for them. That isn't a friendship. And I deserve better.

I learning more and more to love myself. For anyone who knows me this is has been the most difficult thing for me, but it is happening. I am worth it. I am awesome. It isn't cockiness it is confidence. And look at me. I am beautiful and funny and fun and loving and compassionate and awesome. Just radiance flows from my face. I know that anyone who is around me a lot can really see a difference.

So I smile. Life is fun. Seriously it is. lol ;)

Legacy

World caught in silence golden,
I am not silent.
Hear me roar.
Above the noise,
Below the chaos.
Her light shines through her eyes.
Like the sun,
She warms the Earth.
With her fragrance,
They all breathe her in.
No one can shake that beautiful smile.
It is like a rainbow.
Magnificent and flawless.
A leader of the people.
Laughter can not escape her.
Humor surrounds her.
Nothing can shake her.
Not this time around.
Not even you.
You ask her how she got so strong.
She says I was born for greatness.
I was made to bring light in the darkness.
What better person than someone,
Who knows how darkness can be.
It can be consuming.
It seems to have all the answers,
Even when there are none.
What she sees now,
Is what He knew all along.
What they have been trying to tell her,
Since she was born.
What else can I say about this beauty.
She is clumsy.
She is broken.
She is astoundingly wonderful.
Maybe you should hear of her.
I know you may not see her.
But she is there.
She is your friend.
She is there when no one else is.
She will leave that kind of legacy,
Where everyone knew her heart.
Her heart of gold spread to the skies.
No one can hang her on the wall,
She must be free.
Free as free falling.
Hold your breath,
Cuz she will try to take it.
She will take it away,
To her land of enchantment.
She is too beautiful,
For the word beautiful.
She couldn't see it,
But now she does.
Don't underestimate,
Her beauty.
She is more beautiful,
Than anyone you have ever met.
She has survived severe loss,
And betrayal.
Anger and angst.
Loneliness and hate.
Broken heart,
And the demons inside of her.
She isn't like anyone you will ever meet.
She will leave a legacy.
The kind no one can imagine.
How do I know?
Because I know her so well.
How could I?
I look in the mirror,
And I see her.

No Regrets

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."--Jonathan Larson

If there is anything I have learned about this life is to never have regrets. I could regret not dealing with my pain. I could regret not saying what I wanted to say to my dad. I could regret not realizing all of what I had. I could regret everything. But regret will not make it better and regret will not change the past. It will just leave you angry and bitter. I would know. This was me a a couple of weeks ago. I was bitter and angry and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I couldn't just move on.

I started reading this book by Jillian Michaels, a fitness trainer best known for being on The Biggest Loser, called Unlimited. It makes you confront your past, present, and future. When it made me confront everything and I mean everything about my past I was scared. There are some dark days in my past. There is a lot of pain in my past. But being confronted with all of this was allowing me to move on and let it go. Fear has this way of paralyzing but when you just want to get better and be better you will confront this fear. You have nothing more to lose so you face it. With tears, angst, pain, and anxiety, you face it. It hit me in the stomach at about 100 mph. I couldn't believe all the people I hated and the pain I felt from even little things as someone making a mistake that makes them human. This was all within the first 4 or 5 chapters. It really had me soul searching about everything.

I really had this aha moment. The anger was just suffocating me. The pain was exhausting. And the past was haunting. So I decided to forgive and move on. It wasn't worth the pain or the anger. When you are angry it only hurts you. Satan could be so loud in those moments of hate. He was telling me I was worthless, hopeless, helpless, and defeated so I might as well give up.

I must say I am the happiest I have ever been because for the first time I dug deep and found a lot of darkness. I was scared to feel it all. But I was just to the point where I spent too many nights crying and too many days being unhappy. I was done being that person who was a victim. It was my choice of who I could be. No more blaming this person and that person. It was up to me to be better. It was up to me what I wanted to be. Not these people that hurt me.

I know that my whole life I have had ups and downs and the downs got pretty dark. But I know that this time is different with the up. I am still scared that I will hit a drastic down again but I know I have the tools to fight it. And I must never give up hope and never let take life for granted again.

This book is making me think about the future and find what I really want to do. I am not completely sure what that looks like but I am getting a better idea. I know my future looks brighter and I am not stuck at this job forever. If I am still here there must be a reason. God won't keep me here for nothing. He has a plan for me in this. Even if I don't see it, there is a plan.

I am not cured. I still hurt. I still fail. I still fall. But everything is looking brighter and this big weight was lifted off of me for just letting go of what was holding me back from my future. And my downs won't be so dark. God is shaping me into something better and someone who finally has the courage to take on what comes next. I finally have no regrets about anything. From now on I will enjoy what life brings me. Light is filling my soul. For the first time I am following my heart.

"One's real life is often the life that one does not lead."--Oscar Wilde

Today

I started writing this blog so that I might help other people but I think the truth is I did it to help me. Loss of a loved one can't be measured. It can't be understood until you go through it yourself. I know I haven't talked about my father's death much. A lot of it was because it is so painful to relive. It still seems like it happened yesterday. With the loss came grief, anger, and realizing how short life is. One of the hardest things was when everyone else's life moved on. I was still stuck in the grief. I must admit I am still angry over it. I miss him every single day. I want to tell him how I'm struggling. How I am fighting to find clarity and understanding in all this pain.

Today I let myself feel the pain. The days lately have been so so. We all have our good days and our bad. Today was a bad. I thought being here in Columbia would make me happy but it isn't. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have aren't as close as the ones I had in Bolivar. It is hard to admit to anyone let alone yourself that you feel lonely. There is this yearning that won't go away.

For the first time in a long time I am not afraid to feel. It means I am alive. And as much as it hurts to miss my dad and my friends I am glad I feel something real. Today I don't care what people would say. I don't care if people worry. I don't even care if it isn't okay to feel this dark today. I just let it be.

As I sit here in tears I feel lonely and sad and tired. I feel angry and helpless. I feel worthless. I feel. That is what is important. I will just worry about today. Maybe tomorrow will be better and maybe it won't. But today I feel something real. I feel weak. I feel like I want to just cry. Today is today. Good or bad it is here. Tomorrow can wait.

Happiness is a mood

"Happiness is a mood, not a destination."

My whole life I have been looking for happiness. I keep thinking that at some point I will get there. But then when I start feeling broken or lonely or whatever negative mood there is I feel so distant from this so called happiness. I look around at everyone around me and it seems like they have their life together. It can be discouraging sometimes.

But when I heard this quote: Happiness is a mood, not a destination, I started realizing how true that really is. At least for me it is true/ You can't just end up happy. It is always going to be a struggle. For me I feel like every day is a struggle. Ever since I can remember I have struggled. Whether it was to get a college degree or the loss of my dad or even people leaving me, I struggled. Right now I feel like I am in the biggest struggle of my life. Why can't I get a job I love? Am I ever going to stop missing my dad? Is this loneliness ever going to go away? Will I ever just feel happy?

As most of you know I am a pessimist. I would like to say I always have been but I remember a time when I wasn't. It was all rainbows and butterflies. I was also 10 years old and didn't care about anything but playing outside with my friends. I didn't have to worry about school or boys or what to do with my life or the constant battle of life. I find myself longing for those days where I was just happy and nothing else mattered. I was an optimist with big dreams like being an athlete and helping a lot of people.

I am not saying I don't have those dreams anymore but it sure is fading fast. The older we get the less we dream. The older I get the more serious I have become and the less funny and creative I am. I started losing me a year ago. To be honest I started losing me 8 years ago. Slowly my love and passion started to fizzle. I can't say there was a specific date, it just happened. Just like life just happened. People left me, boys dumped me, my family didn't talk about issues, and I avoided everything. I avoided it hoping and longing it would go away and I would feel some sort of joy once again.

I am 23 years old and this is the most lost I have ever felt. I get overwhelmed by all the things that I had done wrong or the things I don't know how to overcome. I see people all around me being courageous and strong and dealing with their pain and regrets. Here I am having the emotional, mental, and physical strength of that 10 year old girl. By the way that isn't a good thing.

Most of the time I sit there and yell at God and say it isn't fair. Why am I who I am? Why can't I just move past it all and be happy? Why do my battles seem so unfair? I ask all the questions that not a lot of people ask Him. Why are you picking on me? Where are you? What else can I learn from this because I don't see why I am still here?

I am not saying it is God's fault. I know it is mine. I keep putting pressure on myself. I keep being a pessimist and when things are going well I wait for it to all go to hell. I think for the first time in my life I asked God why I can't just accept that life is going to be hard and that I need to enjoy the little things? I hold myself back from that mood of happiness. I get scared so I run away. I hold onto things that shouldn't matter anymore. I stop finding my strengths and look for all my weaknesses. I put myself down because I feel like in the end if people saw me, really saw me they would leave. People are going to leave. Things are going to change. So why can't I accept that I won't always be happy but that's ok. Why can't I accept that people truly do love me and aren't going to leave?

The thing I was most afraid of was losing myself. And I am losing it. I am slowly fading into a bitter, pessimistic fool of a woman. I don't know how it happened but I slowly started heading there when I was in junior high. My demons seem to always win.

Last night I cried out to God asking Him why He was keeping me here. I yelled and I screamed why won't you save me? Today I cried out to Him to help me move on past what is holding me back.

"Darkness doesn't have any answers." From personal experience I know this to be true so why do I keep going there? Because its easier but also somehow I think it will help me find what I am looking for. But it always just leads to more darkness and more questions. No answers are ever given.

You know God has this plan for my life and He wants me to do great things. I know I am supposed to help people. But I often ask that how am I supposed to help people if I can't even keep my own life together. It is always in a million little pieces waiting for me to cut myself. Some people are scared to ask God the hard stuff but believe me I ask Him. He already knows how I am feeling and what I am thinking anyways so why not tell Him.

As I look for answers I know that I have a lot to deal with. I have a lot of issues. For those who are worried, I am reading this book about trying to find my passions again. I am just trying to find me deep down in that darkness surrounding me. I try to take it one step at a time. One day at a time. Some days it will be easier than others to deal with. I write these blogs not to make you feel sorry for me. I write them because maybe it can help you know you aren't alone and to talk about issues no one else will share about their lives. Just know that happiness is a mood not a destination. Being hungry is a mood. And it's ok to be hungry. So it's ok to feel sad because it also a mood.

Fear

I know I haven't written a blog in awhile. Some of it is because I am broken. Most of it was I just didn't know what to say. But I think I found what I should talk about. Fear. Most times I am scared of everything. I don't want to fail. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want people to see me broken. I guess if people see me broken I think they might think I am weak, which I feel most times. People say I am strong. Maybe I am. But most of the time I feel weak. That I will break into a million little pieces. I have been hurt. Most of you who know me know that is nothing new. I tend to hold onto the past. The past not only has regrets but it has shaped me into who I am. Even the scared little girl who is trying to move on but is to scared to.

There is this fear that can stop you dead in your tracks. You get comfortable in this fear. You get comfortable being the overweight girl or the broken girl or even the victim. I would like to tell you I am all these great things because I am but I have given myself labels. I hate labels so why do I give them to myself? Why am I so scared of being happy? I feel I don't deserve it. I am comfortable not being noticed and just being in the background. But what kind of life is that? The kind of life I am used to living. Why don't I deserve happiness? Because I believe that people left me for a reason. I believe people leave because I don't deserve them. Twisted isn't it? Most times life is twisted.

A lot of people worry about me. I don't blame them. Sometimes I am very emo. I can get into this deep depressions where I have no interest in anyone or anything. It is something I am working on. I don't like to ask for help. I feel like it is saying I am weak or I can't do anything on my own. Why do we do that? Push people away because we want to be Superman. Yes our culture encourages it but aren't we supposed to be different. God calls us to be unique. I have always seen myself as unique. I hurt more than others. I laugh more than others. I try to find my own way and my own passions.

But somewhere along the way I lost myself. I didn't deal with the issues. I didn't enjoy the little joys. So here I am writing this a lesser person than I could be. Everyone sees this potential in me to be better. I could be someone great. But we all have demons. We all have things that keep us from greatness. I have these regrets and this crippling fear. The only person stopping me from greatness is me. All the other people who have hurt me or that I have hurt are irrelevant. But somehow I always get in the way. My head takes over where my heart should be leading me. My heart breaks. I am one of those people that when I get hurt or when things go wrong my heart literally aches. Some say I am deep. I say I am deep but also very complex. There is a lot to me. I am intelligent, kind, loving, loyal, hard working, good listener, athletic, strong, funny, and fun. I am also weak, selfish, over analyze things, pessimist, sometimes hard to read, stubborn, prideful, and put up walls.

These things are who I am. I know who I am. I am trying to let love in. I am trying to love myself. But after 23 years of people telling me I will never amount to anything or I will not succeed. People leaving me or people betraying me has taught me that I can't trust anyone, not fully. So I close off even from people who I know will never leave me. Deep down I think that if they knew my darkest secrets that no one knows that they will leave. I have a lot of darkness in me. It makes me want to scream that I can't get rid of it. But the truth is it will always be apart of me.

Right now nothing in my life is in control. The only thing I can control right now is my weight which is why I keep running. It helps me clear my head. And for that hour I am not in this lonely darkness. For that hour I am not trapped. I am free. Free from the chains that bind me down. Free from this war between my head and my heart.

Like I said people worry about me. I talk about things like how dark of a place I am. I talk about my depression. That freaks people out because they automatically think that is code for I am going to kill myself. I don't blame people for worrying. I just don't see anyone trying to come and take me out to help me. Or being there constantly to make sure I am okay. So if you are going to worry then do something about it. But in the end I am who I am. I go through hard times. I'm just glad I am dealing with stuff. I am not saying I will always deal with stuff because I don't know. I always seem to deal with it for awhile and then I stop because it hurts too much.

You say you worry. You don't know half of the things I am dealing with because you never ask. Did you know I miss my dad every day? Did you know I am bitter because you have your dad and I don't have mine? Did you know I hate my body? Did you know I feel so lonely right now I want to cry? That is just a few things I am dealing with. You worry but you don't know me. Not really. Maybe it's my fault but maybe you don't care as much as you say.

Fear. I fear you don't know me. I fear for my life. I fear for that future I could have but may not get. I fear you will leave me now. But fear isn't leaving. It is always going to be there. I fear that fear will always hinder me and maybe just maybe it will.

Courage to Become Who You Are

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."-- e.e. cummings

When you are at your lowest you have ever been and you are looking for anything to give you hope, this was my hope. I kept feeling sorry for myself and wondering why God was picking on me. I couldn't understand what more I had to learn. Then it hit me. What good is it really doing me moping around and feeling sorry for myself as if that would change anything. It wouldn't change the fact I was in a dead end job with no money and no one around me to really encourage me and support me. So I picked myself back up, brushed myself off, held my head high, and had the courage to seek what I needed to become who I really was.

Fear is very good at staring contests. It can usually win. It can stare us into giving in and letting it win, sometimes too easily. Fear to be happy. Fear to be an awesome person. Fear to be God's child instead of Satan's. Fear can stop us dead in our tracks and keep us from living.

I came across this movie, which I know was not an accident, and it's called It's Kind of a Funny Story. It has Zach Galifanakis in it. It was about this kid feeling depressed and was suicidal so he checks himself into this mental hospital where he meets very interesting characters including Zach's character, Bobby. As I was watching that movie I felt like I was looking in the mirror with the main character. I felt lost and depressed. I was wondering how I could handle life on my own. In the end, he learns how to deal with his problems. The most important lesson from that movie is just to live. I think this is something we all forget. We see what is right in front of us but not the bigger picture.

The bigger picture is just to live. None of it really mattered anymore. I just wanted so desperately to live. To just enjoy life. I started realizing none of this is going to matter in the end. Not the money, not the job, and not the people who hurt me. All that matters is living. Really living. I started realizing that is what God wanted me to learn. He was going to handle it so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. Before I knew it things were starting to come together and I was seeing things differently. It was all a blessing in disguise as evil.

Now I have an interview to use my degree, and at the same time my current job wants me to move to where I live so I would save money. I started seeing the beauty in nature again. I started paying attention to people who cared about me. I took on the task of courage to become the real me. The me who enjoys nature, photography, art, music, movies, and just living. The real me who enjoys laughing and smiling. The real me who is there for her friends and would do anything for them. The real me who is ready to enjoy life whatever it may bring her.

There are times I get sad and forget the big picture. But aren't we all like that. That is life. There will be hard times more than good times. I accept that because I know we are at war. God is fighting for us. We put on the belt of truth and go from there. So I wait for Him. I know it will get better. I trust God. He knows better than anyone what I need so to keep doubting Him would be ridiculous.

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."--e.e. cummings

Superhero

Do you ever go to sleep and wish that the next day things will be different? Tomorrow you won't owe money. Tomorrow that test will go well. Tomorrow you won't be so tired. Tomorrow good things will happen. Tomorrow it will all go away. Then when you wake up all those problems are still there. You tried running away before and you end up with more problems and the same ones you had. And now you are lost in this mess you created or was dealt. You didn't choose it but it found you.

Do you remember watching Disney movies and cartoons? Ok I still watch them. But do you remember when we were kids watching that stuff? We grew up in this fantasy of superheros. The prince is going to come and save us and we will live happily ever after. Or that we have superpowers and we will fight with Batman and Superman against bad guys and live happily ever after. There is this unrealistic notion that nothing bad will happen to us if we get saved. Then we grow up wishing and wondering when we will be saved. I wish it worked like that. I really do. I still dream of it sometimes.

I keep screwing up things. Life isn't turning out like I expected it to. And here I am crashing down like a tsunami wave into rocks. I must admit life is beating the crap out of me. Dreams I have are being crushed. My pride and heart are being beaten to death. I'm still searching for that superhero. To swoop in and save me from this life.

I start to think how God is a superhero. He has superpowers. He wants to swoop in and save me from this life. I just have to get rid of my selfish pride and let Him help me. I keep thinking but I screwed it up too much. I am not worth saving. Nothing will ever change. I will keep living in this constant battle of failures and obstacles. I know this is normal but I feel like I am being picked on. Now this might make some people uncomfortable but I ask God a lot of hard questions that no one else can answer. And when I am pissed off I tell Him I am. He already knows I am, why not tell Him? I have been asking why do I have to deal with so much pain? So much failure? So many problems? So many obstacles? I honestly feel like I am getting picked on. It reminds me of the movie Bruce Almighty when he calls out God. "The only one not doing their job is you!" He says later, "Smite me oh mighty smiter." I want to go out in the middle of the street and yell this a lot. But I also don't want to get hit by a car. lol

It makes a situation worse when you don't have supportive people in your life. I won't mention any names but they know who they are. You need people to build you up not tear you down or so caught up in their own life they don't care about you. It feels like we are all trying to kill off people so we have no competition. Since when is life such a competition? Well it has left me angry and unfulfilled. I know you can't fully rely on people but when you can't rely on others at all that is sad. I am tired of having people in my life like that. So I will do some spring cleaning and keep those people out of my life as much as I can. Under the circumstances, I can't quite ignore them completely. Anyways I feel like who we put around us will effect our moods and will determine how happy we will be. I am not pointing fingers saying that this person is making my life miserable. But it feels like that sometimes.

Limbo

I sit in the corner,
And try to forget.
The darkness within.
It's too strong.
Sometimes I feel like I am mostly evil,
Trapped in a good body.
I sit there and stare,
At the person I once was.
There used to be something to her/
She was so beautiful.
Had it all.
The shadows and secrets became real.
Nothing could hide the pain.
No one could take it away.
Nights she would cry herself to sleep.
Days she was just getting through.
I would look at all the happy people,
And wonder what it was like to feel like that.
To know how to feel something other than pain.
It is no secret there have been trials and tribulations.
But there comes a point when fate is against you.
You were destined to be unhappy.
Put me out of my misery.
The ups and downs are so crazy.
I don't know what is real.
This blank stare is who I am.
Don't try to say it will be ok.
It gets better for awhile,
Then back to pain and sadness.
I try to find a cure.
But there is no cure for sadness.
Not even moments of happiness can shake this.
Do I accept this?
No one can give me a good answer not even Him.
I am lost.
Is this purgatory?
Limbo perhaps.
You ask me to try but my heart is scarred.
There is too much pain behind this fake smile.
This fake person standing in front of you is not something.
Nothing gives me hope but hope itself.
You ask me to try and I say I can't.
I will just go back to loneliness.
The answer to the pain is more pain.
Dumbest answer ever I know.
Do you ever feel so much pain,
That it's like being hit by 10,000 buses?
I feel that 95% of the time.
When I feel like I have gotten past some pain,
Here comes more.
I start to get overwhelmed and I am back where I started.
2 steps forward and 10 steps back right?
That's how it works.
Call me a pessimist or a downer.
Good things don't happen to me.
Period.
But you should see the small good things.
That isn't enough for me anymore.
If you are so great and powerful God,
Why must I struggle so much?
This has to be a dream.
It cant be real.
Is this real?
Is this really my life?
How much can 1 person take?
My mood matching what is going on outside.
It is raining and my cheeks are soaked in salty tears.
I used to believe.
But right now I don't.
It comes and goes.
Just like people in my life.
I am not asking you to feel sorry for me.
This is a struggle.
I sit here and wonder if you think I am crazy.
Or just in a lot of pain.
Either way I am stuck in limbo.
I want out but enough is enough.
A year of constant pain and turmoil.
Really?
Welcome to Limbo.

Signs

Life isn't fair. Period. We are always thinking I should have got that job or that promotion or that guy or that girl or that time away. We see all these good people have bad shit happen to them. Sorry for those who like it PG. Those kids are hungry. These people keep having friends and family die. Etc. And then we come across bad people who always get what they want. Doesn't that just piss you off?

And I hate it when you don't get something and the immediate reaction from a friend is well life isn't fair so suck it up. Well first off I want to punch them in the face and I would feel tons better. Lol but seriously yes I know life isn't fair. I get it. I live proof that life isn't fair. I am not wanting you to feel sorry for me I am just pointing out a fact. I am living proof that life isn't fair. I have had 23 years of disappointment, failures, slaps in the face, and betrayal. You can't just tell me to suck it up. That is not effective. I am not going to just suck it up. What a good friend should say is well then why are you sitting around moping? Do something about it.

Hmmmmm I never thought of it like that. Here I was feeling sorry for myself when I think if you don't like it do something about it. I don't mean change what happened. Because honestly what's done is done and you can't undo it. I'm talking about standing up for yourself. Proving those haters wrong. That's right prove to everyone that yeah life isn't fair and it is really tough but you are going to get back up, brush yourself off, and hold your head high. So what you failed! So what you didn't get what you wanted! Are you alive? Enjoy what you have and push forward to doing better things.

I have this thing about signs. Kind of like street signs but signs that life sends to show you maybe that wasn't what you actually wanted or needed. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't get that job. Maybe God wants something better for me or maybe He wants me to be somewhere else. I truly believe that things happen for a reason. Just like you are reading this blog and something is going to jump out at you and you are going to use that.

Life is really messy. Most of the time it is utter and complete chaos. Nothing goes as planned. You get excited and here comes that chaos ready to ruin your plans. But do you notice that when nothing goes as planned is when things seem to come together? You start to realize maybe what you wanted and what you needed where 2 different things. And maybe your plan should have been to let chaos do its thing.

Lately my head has not been in any kind of organization. It has been here and there and everywhere. My head always goes fast but lately it is constantly going 300 mph. It ranges anywhere from being stressed to wow I really miss this person and I want to see them. It is in utter chaos but yet I feel like it is for a purpose. I am going to get something out of it.

No matter what happens I know for sure that I am strong, intelligent, courageous, and beautiful. Life is going to throw curve balls but that is when things turn out for the best when I am not in control. I hate being out of control. I will find anything and everything to try to get some control over something. But God says to trust Him and let Him be in control. I don't have the answer to why life has to be unfair. But I do know that God is beautiful. He can turn something we see as so horrible, a sinner, and turn it into something beautiful. The same goes for chaos and life. As I am typing this God is shaping me so that I may go into the world and show His love. It is hard to be mad or upset when I know He wants what is best for me. He wants to use me for good and in order for that to happen there must be bad. So take those signs. It just may be God trying to tell you something.

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."--Isaiah 40:31

Battle of the Mind

So today I started off with some meditation with God and it was great! I know once I get into the flow of it every morning it will get easier. I am reading this book called Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I recommend reading this book!! Whether you are dead inside or not it is a good read and it will open your eyes and your ears to a lot of what God is saying.

In Waking The Dead, God is saying in Isaiah 61:1 that "I am here to give you back your heart and set you free. That is why the glory of God is man fully alive." This is what it's all about. He didn't come so that we would be dead and put in chains for the rest of our lives. But you know the enemy. "Make them so busy, they ignore the heart. Wound them so deeply, they don't want a heart. Twist their theology, so they despise the heart. Take away their courage. Destroy their creativity. Make intimacy with God impossible for them." Wow. I mean I knew Satan hated me. That's a no brainer but I have been letting Him persuade me into thinking I am weak. I am just this scared little girl who is so fragile that you have to be careful not to drop me cuz I will fall apart. NO!!! Satan has this way of twisting things to make it seem like that is who we are. My friends do not underestimate Satan EVER! I do it too. I think it must be true since it sounds logical or realistic. Even when Satan is in other people telling us we are not worthy. We aren't this.

Christians have the hardest time. Why? Because non Christians are exactly where Satan wants them. He doesn't need to worry about them. They are already lost and not wanting Christ. His business is finished with them. You know how a new Christian has the high of becoming a Christian for the first time and then that newness eventually fades and they find themselves in this battle with Satan. Now they want Christ and Satan can't have this so he does everything He can to drag them down and make them hate themselves and God. When Satan doesn't win he keeps trying harder and harder. I know this is like duh Liz I know this. But at least for me I need to be reminded every once in awhile that Satan didn't leave. He is very much trying to kill us. He hates us. Oh how easily we forget with life's distractions and our going fast world we live in. For me before I know it Satan somehow creeped into my mind and telling me how horrible I am.

What happens when good things start to happen? There is Satan. Telling us we can't do it. We are stupid and what makes us think we deserve it. We don't deserve to be happy. This has always been a struggle for me. Caring about what others think more than I should. Listening to Satan tell me I am a horrible piece of crap. Yep I have listened at times. I am working on it. I think it will always be a struggle because Satan knows my weaknesses. He knows I have low self-esteem a lot of the time. He wants to feed on that.

You know the more I think about it. How could you hate the God so much that you decide to go against God and the human race. To me it makes no sense. I mean hate is a harsh word. I have said it about some people and realized what I was doing to myself. Not even to that person. They probably don't even care that I hate them. I guess I just don't understand why Satan would hate us so much and God so much that he would want to make sure we go to Hell.

The best thing about this morning? I slowed down in this constant going and going fast world we live in with things to do up to our ears. I can't believe I didn't think of doing it every morning. I think next week I will talk about marriage. I know I am not married but I want to talk about my struggles with being ready to get married.

Thunder

"No one is control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change."--Barbara de Angelis

Happiness. It is what a lot of people including myself try to find in this life. The mistakes people make, including myself, is that we look for it in all the wrong places. Things that seem like a good idea or seem to make us happy really don't. Think about it. Money. No matter how much of it people have, are they ever truly happy? Celebrities get caught up in scandal and drugs and everything they thought could make them happy doesn't. Their lives are empty and they keep trying to find something new to make them happy but they always end up disappointed and confused.

Everyone is so obsessed with technology. We get the next best thing but when we get it here comes something new a month later and we find ourselves wanting that. Eventually the newness wears off and we find ourselves looking for something else to make us happy.

 When I went to Baja, Mexico on a mission trip last year to an orphanage, we had no technology. No way of contacting the outside world. Just God and nature and people. You know the basics. I had never felt so connected to God in my entire life. I had no distractions and I had no reason not to be with Him. I still long for that closeness I felt towards him. That passion I had every day spending time with Him.

One of my tasks for this week was to listen more and talk less to God. I did and boy did I get some surprises as well as some humble blows to the head. Some things He pointed out to me where that I am just a stress ball waiting to explode. I am distracted because I am so stressed because of money and because I have no money I am scrounging around trying to find some for food and gas, etc. Because of that my relationships are suffering. Because my relationships are suffering I am pissed off half the time. Because I am pissed off half the time I am always in a bad mood and I am constantly distracted. Oh yes it all leads back to distracted. Time and time again He is telling me to relax not only cuz He will handle it but because if I keep stressing as much as I am I will die because of it. I don't know about you but when I pictured myself dying it wasn't by stress. That seems so wimpy. I mean I want to go out with a bang. Literally or figuratively I don't care. Anyways I am getting off track. Thank you ADD!

Another thing God is telling me to do is slow down. I am going 100 mph down the wrong way on a one way street. I am tired, exhausted, sore, etc. Every day I need to meditate in Him and just sit in the quiet of His awesomeness. Yes awesomeness. Stop worrying about this and that and piling activities to the ceiling that are impossible to achieve. We are not superheroes. I know I wish we were not just cuz we can call ourselves that but because we would have cool superpowers and AWESOME costumes. My superpower would be super speed. Awesome I know. There goes my ADD again. We need to slow down and spend some time with God. So starting tomorrow I am going to meditate in His awesomeness.

I realized that I need to believe in myself more. This whole week God has been showing me through people and situations that I am an awesome person. Ok just to clarify I am not being conceited. Oh wait does that mean I am if I say I am not? Well you know me so whatever. lol God has been using me my whole life in many ways. It is just now in my life that I am realizing how much He uses me and how much He has used me in the past. You don't realize the impact you have on people. Here I was thinking I was this weird loser, which I may be. But I am a popular weird loser. No but seriously I am amazing, beautiful, funny, fun, godly, mature, selfless, hard working, good friend, great listener, good advice giver, etc. God keeps reminding me that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I mess up. I screw up. I am broken most of the time. But yet I am so beautiful in that. That is when I gain the most strength. That is when I am the most vulnerable to people. That is when I am most courageous.That is when I am desperately seeking God the most. It is a good thing to be broken. Wait what?!?! Say that again. It is a GOOD thing to be broken. We don't have to have it all together all the time. We were meant to cry, to fall down, to rely on other people, and to get down on our hands and knees and beg God to help us.

The last thing I am going to talk about is Satan. Too many times I let negative thoughts in my head and believe them. One bad thought comes in my head and I believe it. Forget the 100 other positive things rolling around in there. Nope I choose to focus on that one negative thought. That one that lets me know I am worthless, I am stupid, I am an idiot, I am ugly, etc. NO! I have to stop it. I just say no and I choose to believe what God says about me. This is a new thing I am trying. Am I perfect at it? No. But I am trying to change my thought process. Especially for us women, our society expects us to be perfect. There is this constant need to be perfect. Stop it! Stop it right now! We are not perfect, including men, nor should we have to be. You know that man Jesus who died on that cross for our sin? That is the reason why we can mess up, we can be broken, and we can totally screw our lives up. Because guess what? Jesus still loves us. Period.

So I know this was a lot to say in one blog but God brought a lot up to me this week. Like thunder I am going to make a big boom in this world. I will make a difference. Scratch that I AM making a difference. Stop stressing. Just let God handle it. When did He ever let you down?

Horribly Wrong

Ok so I found something else to write about. As some of you know it has been about a year and a half since I have spoken to my sister. I think of her often. My heart aches for her. There are many times I wonder if she knows that I love her. I wonder how she is and if she has changed or stayed the same. I wonder if God is evident in her life. I wonder if she realized what she did wrong. I wonder all these things. When I was first trying to forgive her, I thought of all the things she did wrong. I thought of all the ways she hurt me. But most of all I realized how I never stood up for myself. I always let her walk all over me. She isn't the first person I let walk all over me. There are days when I let people do it. I let them use me and abuse me. I always blame them. I blame all these people. I never think what could I have done to stop it. But I finally put what my sister was doing to me to a stop. I stopped letting her walk all over me and stood up for myself by cutting her off. And the first time I decide to stand up for myself it all goes terribly wrong. I feel like the worst person in the world. I kept asking myself and God if cutting her off was the right thing to do why did I feel so horrible? Why did I feel so horrible about protecting my heart and for once taking care of myself? I am the type of person who cares more about people than myself. That isn't always a bad thing until I stop taking care of myself completely, which is what I usually do. That is something I am working on. It will be a process trying to have a happy medium. It is still a process to stop blaming my sister for things and to move on as well as wondering if she will ever change. I will always love my sister no matter what. If she got in touch with me today and wanted to reconcile I would be there in a second. At the end of the day even though everything went horribly wrong I did what what was right for me at that time.

Matthew 13:15 punched me in the face

Here I am feeling lost and confused as to how I got myself in this situation. But not only that I realized in that moment that I had not talked to God. And then I realized that I am not close to Him anymore. I started to grow sad and felt this big burden of shame on my shoulders not just because I wasn't close to God but because I had not even thought about talking to Him about this burden and stress. All these problems kept piling up and the simple answer was right in front of me all along.

I opened this book I was reading called Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I hadn't read it in a long time. In desperation, I opened it to find some ray of hope, something that would catch my eye and have me longing for God once again. I came across this verse. "For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them." Matthew 13:15

That verse punched me in the face hardcore. My heart is calloused. I do not hear Him nor do I try to see Him. I am so caught up in the negative to listen really listen. Do you ever just talk to God and that is all you do is talk and never just sit there and listen. Maybe just bask in His grace and mercy? I know I hardly ever do. It's like God do this and God do that. I expect Him to do all these things but yet I don't listen to what He wants me to do.

This verse put into perspective what I have become. How shameful and horrible it may be it is truth. I always want God to show me the truth no matter how bad, painful, or shameful it may be. So my task this week is to listen and see what God wants for me. I will update next week what came of it and maybe talk about something else.