World caught in silence golden,
I am not silent.
Hear me roar.
Above the noise,
Below the chaos.
Her light shines through her eyes.
Like the sun,
She warms the Earth.
With her fragrance,
They all breathe her in.
No one can shake that beautiful smile.
It is like a rainbow.
Magnificent and flawless.
A leader of the people.
Laughter can not escape her.
Humor surrounds her.
Nothing can shake her.
Not this time around.
Not even you.
You ask her how she got so strong.
She says I was born for greatness.
I was made to bring light in the darkness.
What better person than someone,
Who knows how darkness can be.
It can be consuming.
It seems to have all the answers,
Even when there are none.
What she sees now,
Is what He knew all along.
What they have been trying to tell her,
Since she was born.
What else can I say about this beauty.
She is clumsy.
She is broken.
She is astoundingly wonderful.
Maybe you should hear of her.
I know you may not see her.
But she is there.
She is your friend.
She is there when no one else is.
She will leave that kind of legacy,
Where everyone knew her heart.
Her heart of gold spread to the skies.
No one can hang her on the wall,
She must be free.
Free as free falling.
Hold your breath,
Cuz she will try to take it.
She will take it away,
To her land of enchantment.
She is too beautiful,
For the word beautiful.
She couldn't see it,
But now she does.
Don't underestimate,
Her beauty.
She is more beautiful,
Than anyone you have ever met.
She has survived severe loss,
And betrayal.
Anger and angst.
Loneliness and hate.
Broken heart,
And the demons inside of her.
She isn't like anyone you will ever meet.
She will leave a legacy.
The kind no one can imagine.
How do I know?
Because I know her so well.
How could I?
I look in the mirror,
And I see her.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
No Regrets
"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."--Jonathan Larson
If there is anything I have learned about this life is to never have regrets. I could regret not dealing with my pain. I could regret not saying what I wanted to say to my dad. I could regret not realizing all of what I had. I could regret everything. But regret will not make it better and regret will not change the past. It will just leave you angry and bitter. I would know. This was me a a couple of weeks ago. I was bitter and angry and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I couldn't just move on.
I started reading this book by Jillian Michaels, a fitness trainer best known for being on The Biggest Loser, called Unlimited. It makes you confront your past, present, and future. When it made me confront everything and I mean everything about my past I was scared. There are some dark days in my past. There is a lot of pain in my past. But being confronted with all of this was allowing me to move on and let it go. Fear has this way of paralyzing but when you just want to get better and be better you will confront this fear. You have nothing more to lose so you face it. With tears, angst, pain, and anxiety, you face it. It hit me in the stomach at about 100 mph. I couldn't believe all the people I hated and the pain I felt from even little things as someone making a mistake that makes them human. This was all within the first 4 or 5 chapters. It really had me soul searching about everything.
I really had this aha moment. The anger was just suffocating me. The pain was exhausting. And the past was haunting. So I decided to forgive and move on. It wasn't worth the pain or the anger. When you are angry it only hurts you. Satan could be so loud in those moments of hate. He was telling me I was worthless, hopeless, helpless, and defeated so I might as well give up.
I must say I am the happiest I have ever been because for the first time I dug deep and found a lot of darkness. I was scared to feel it all. But I was just to the point where I spent too many nights crying and too many days being unhappy. I was done being that person who was a victim. It was my choice of who I could be. No more blaming this person and that person. It was up to me to be better. It was up to me what I wanted to be. Not these people that hurt me.
I know that my whole life I have had ups and downs and the downs got pretty dark. But I know that this time is different with the up. I am still scared that I will hit a drastic down again but I know I have the tools to fight it. And I must never give up hope and never let take life for granted again.
This book is making me think about the future and find what I really want to do. I am not completely sure what that looks like but I am getting a better idea. I know my future looks brighter and I am not stuck at this job forever. If I am still here there must be a reason. God won't keep me here for nothing. He has a plan for me in this. Even if I don't see it, there is a plan.
I am not cured. I still hurt. I still fail. I still fall. But everything is looking brighter and this big weight was lifted off of me for just letting go of what was holding me back from my future. And my downs won't be so dark. God is shaping me into something better and someone who finally has the courage to take on what comes next. I finally have no regrets about anything. From now on I will enjoy what life brings me. Light is filling my soul. For the first time I am following my heart.
"One's real life is often the life that one does not lead."--Oscar Wilde
If there is anything I have learned about this life is to never have regrets. I could regret not dealing with my pain. I could regret not saying what I wanted to say to my dad. I could regret not realizing all of what I had. I could regret everything. But regret will not make it better and regret will not change the past. It will just leave you angry and bitter. I would know. This was me a a couple of weeks ago. I was bitter and angry and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I couldn't just move on.
I started reading this book by Jillian Michaels, a fitness trainer best known for being on The Biggest Loser, called Unlimited. It makes you confront your past, present, and future. When it made me confront everything and I mean everything about my past I was scared. There are some dark days in my past. There is a lot of pain in my past. But being confronted with all of this was allowing me to move on and let it go. Fear has this way of paralyzing but when you just want to get better and be better you will confront this fear. You have nothing more to lose so you face it. With tears, angst, pain, and anxiety, you face it. It hit me in the stomach at about 100 mph. I couldn't believe all the people I hated and the pain I felt from even little things as someone making a mistake that makes them human. This was all within the first 4 or 5 chapters. It really had me soul searching about everything.
I really had this aha moment. The anger was just suffocating me. The pain was exhausting. And the past was haunting. So I decided to forgive and move on. It wasn't worth the pain or the anger. When you are angry it only hurts you. Satan could be so loud in those moments of hate. He was telling me I was worthless, hopeless, helpless, and defeated so I might as well give up.
I must say I am the happiest I have ever been because for the first time I dug deep and found a lot of darkness. I was scared to feel it all. But I was just to the point where I spent too many nights crying and too many days being unhappy. I was done being that person who was a victim. It was my choice of who I could be. No more blaming this person and that person. It was up to me to be better. It was up to me what I wanted to be. Not these people that hurt me.
I know that my whole life I have had ups and downs and the downs got pretty dark. But I know that this time is different with the up. I am still scared that I will hit a drastic down again but I know I have the tools to fight it. And I must never give up hope and never let take life for granted again.
This book is making me think about the future and find what I really want to do. I am not completely sure what that looks like but I am getting a better idea. I know my future looks brighter and I am not stuck at this job forever. If I am still here there must be a reason. God won't keep me here for nothing. He has a plan for me in this. Even if I don't see it, there is a plan.
I am not cured. I still hurt. I still fail. I still fall. But everything is looking brighter and this big weight was lifted off of me for just letting go of what was holding me back from my future. And my downs won't be so dark. God is shaping me into something better and someone who finally has the courage to take on what comes next. I finally have no regrets about anything. From now on I will enjoy what life brings me. Light is filling my soul. For the first time I am following my heart.
"One's real life is often the life that one does not lead."--Oscar Wilde
Friday, June 17, 2011
Today
I started writing this blog so that I might help other people but I think the truth is I did it to help me. Loss of a loved one can't be measured. It can't be understood until you go through it yourself. I know I haven't talked about my father's death much. A lot of it was because it is so painful to relive. It still seems like it happened yesterday. With the loss came grief, anger, and realizing how short life is. One of the hardest things was when everyone else's life moved on. I was still stuck in the grief. I must admit I am still angry over it. I miss him every single day. I want to tell him how I'm struggling. How I am fighting to find clarity and understanding in all this pain.
Today I let myself feel the pain. The days lately have been so so. We all have our good days and our bad. Today was a bad. I thought being here in Columbia would make me happy but it isn't. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have aren't as close as the ones I had in Bolivar. It is hard to admit to anyone let alone yourself that you feel lonely. There is this yearning that won't go away.
For the first time in a long time I am not afraid to feel. It means I am alive. And as much as it hurts to miss my dad and my friends I am glad I feel something real. Today I don't care what people would say. I don't care if people worry. I don't even care if it isn't okay to feel this dark today. I just let it be.
As I sit here in tears I feel lonely and sad and tired. I feel angry and helpless. I feel worthless. I feel. That is what is important. I will just worry about today. Maybe tomorrow will be better and maybe it won't. But today I feel something real. I feel weak. I feel like I want to just cry. Today is today. Good or bad it is here. Tomorrow can wait.
Today I let myself feel the pain. The days lately have been so so. We all have our good days and our bad. Today was a bad. I thought being here in Columbia would make me happy but it isn't. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have aren't as close as the ones I had in Bolivar. It is hard to admit to anyone let alone yourself that you feel lonely. There is this yearning that won't go away.
For the first time in a long time I am not afraid to feel. It means I am alive. And as much as it hurts to miss my dad and my friends I am glad I feel something real. Today I don't care what people would say. I don't care if people worry. I don't even care if it isn't okay to feel this dark today. I just let it be.
As I sit here in tears I feel lonely and sad and tired. I feel angry and helpless. I feel worthless. I feel. That is what is important. I will just worry about today. Maybe tomorrow will be better and maybe it won't. But today I feel something real. I feel weak. I feel like I want to just cry. Today is today. Good or bad it is here. Tomorrow can wait.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Happiness is a mood
"Happiness is a mood, not a destination."
My whole life I have been looking for happiness. I keep thinking that at some point I will get there. But then when I start feeling broken or lonely or whatever negative mood there is I feel so distant from this so called happiness. I look around at everyone around me and it seems like they have their life together. It can be discouraging sometimes.
But when I heard this quote: Happiness is a mood, not a destination, I started realizing how true that really is. At least for me it is true/ You can't just end up happy. It is always going to be a struggle. For me I feel like every day is a struggle. Ever since I can remember I have struggled. Whether it was to get a college degree or the loss of my dad or even people leaving me, I struggled. Right now I feel like I am in the biggest struggle of my life. Why can't I get a job I love? Am I ever going to stop missing my dad? Is this loneliness ever going to go away? Will I ever just feel happy?
As most of you know I am a pessimist. I would like to say I always have been but I remember a time when I wasn't. It was all rainbows and butterflies. I was also 10 years old and didn't care about anything but playing outside with my friends. I didn't have to worry about school or boys or what to do with my life or the constant battle of life. I find myself longing for those days where I was just happy and nothing else mattered. I was an optimist with big dreams like being an athlete and helping a lot of people.
I am not saying I don't have those dreams anymore but it sure is fading fast. The older we get the less we dream. The older I get the more serious I have become and the less funny and creative I am. I started losing me a year ago. To be honest I started losing me 8 years ago. Slowly my love and passion started to fizzle. I can't say there was a specific date, it just happened. Just like life just happened. People left me, boys dumped me, my family didn't talk about issues, and I avoided everything. I avoided it hoping and longing it would go away and I would feel some sort of joy once again.
I am 23 years old and this is the most lost I have ever felt. I get overwhelmed by all the things that I had done wrong or the things I don't know how to overcome. I see people all around me being courageous and strong and dealing with their pain and regrets. Here I am having the emotional, mental, and physical strength of that 10 year old girl. By the way that isn't a good thing.
Most of the time I sit there and yell at God and say it isn't fair. Why am I who I am? Why can't I just move past it all and be happy? Why do my battles seem so unfair? I ask all the questions that not a lot of people ask Him. Why are you picking on me? Where are you? What else can I learn from this because I don't see why I am still here?
I am not saying it is God's fault. I know it is mine. I keep putting pressure on myself. I keep being a pessimist and when things are going well I wait for it to all go to hell. I think for the first time in my life I asked God why I can't just accept that life is going to be hard and that I need to enjoy the little things? I hold myself back from that mood of happiness. I get scared so I run away. I hold onto things that shouldn't matter anymore. I stop finding my strengths and look for all my weaknesses. I put myself down because I feel like in the end if people saw me, really saw me they would leave. People are going to leave. Things are going to change. So why can't I accept that I won't always be happy but that's ok. Why can't I accept that people truly do love me and aren't going to leave?
The thing I was most afraid of was losing myself. And I am losing it. I am slowly fading into a bitter, pessimistic fool of a woman. I don't know how it happened but I slowly started heading there when I was in junior high. My demons seem to always win.
Last night I cried out to God asking Him why He was keeping me here. I yelled and I screamed why won't you save me? Today I cried out to Him to help me move on past what is holding me back.
"Darkness doesn't have any answers." From personal experience I know this to be true so why do I keep going there? Because its easier but also somehow I think it will help me find what I am looking for. But it always just leads to more darkness and more questions. No answers are ever given.
You know God has this plan for my life and He wants me to do great things. I know I am supposed to help people. But I often ask that how am I supposed to help people if I can't even keep my own life together. It is always in a million little pieces waiting for me to cut myself. Some people are scared to ask God the hard stuff but believe me I ask Him. He already knows how I am feeling and what I am thinking anyways so why not tell Him.
As I look for answers I know that I have a lot to deal with. I have a lot of issues. For those who are worried, I am reading this book about trying to find my passions again. I am just trying to find me deep down in that darkness surrounding me. I try to take it one step at a time. One day at a time. Some days it will be easier than others to deal with. I write these blogs not to make you feel sorry for me. I write them because maybe it can help you know you aren't alone and to talk about issues no one else will share about their lives. Just know that happiness is a mood not a destination. Being hungry is a mood. And it's ok to be hungry. So it's ok to feel sad because it also a mood.
My whole life I have been looking for happiness. I keep thinking that at some point I will get there. But then when I start feeling broken or lonely or whatever negative mood there is I feel so distant from this so called happiness. I look around at everyone around me and it seems like they have their life together. It can be discouraging sometimes.
But when I heard this quote: Happiness is a mood, not a destination, I started realizing how true that really is. At least for me it is true/ You can't just end up happy. It is always going to be a struggle. For me I feel like every day is a struggle. Ever since I can remember I have struggled. Whether it was to get a college degree or the loss of my dad or even people leaving me, I struggled. Right now I feel like I am in the biggest struggle of my life. Why can't I get a job I love? Am I ever going to stop missing my dad? Is this loneliness ever going to go away? Will I ever just feel happy?
As most of you know I am a pessimist. I would like to say I always have been but I remember a time when I wasn't. It was all rainbows and butterflies. I was also 10 years old and didn't care about anything but playing outside with my friends. I didn't have to worry about school or boys or what to do with my life or the constant battle of life. I find myself longing for those days where I was just happy and nothing else mattered. I was an optimist with big dreams like being an athlete and helping a lot of people.
I am not saying I don't have those dreams anymore but it sure is fading fast. The older we get the less we dream. The older I get the more serious I have become and the less funny and creative I am. I started losing me a year ago. To be honest I started losing me 8 years ago. Slowly my love and passion started to fizzle. I can't say there was a specific date, it just happened. Just like life just happened. People left me, boys dumped me, my family didn't talk about issues, and I avoided everything. I avoided it hoping and longing it would go away and I would feel some sort of joy once again.
I am 23 years old and this is the most lost I have ever felt. I get overwhelmed by all the things that I had done wrong or the things I don't know how to overcome. I see people all around me being courageous and strong and dealing with their pain and regrets. Here I am having the emotional, mental, and physical strength of that 10 year old girl. By the way that isn't a good thing.
Most of the time I sit there and yell at God and say it isn't fair. Why am I who I am? Why can't I just move past it all and be happy? Why do my battles seem so unfair? I ask all the questions that not a lot of people ask Him. Why are you picking on me? Where are you? What else can I learn from this because I don't see why I am still here?
I am not saying it is God's fault. I know it is mine. I keep putting pressure on myself. I keep being a pessimist and when things are going well I wait for it to all go to hell. I think for the first time in my life I asked God why I can't just accept that life is going to be hard and that I need to enjoy the little things? I hold myself back from that mood of happiness. I get scared so I run away. I hold onto things that shouldn't matter anymore. I stop finding my strengths and look for all my weaknesses. I put myself down because I feel like in the end if people saw me, really saw me they would leave. People are going to leave. Things are going to change. So why can't I accept that I won't always be happy but that's ok. Why can't I accept that people truly do love me and aren't going to leave?
The thing I was most afraid of was losing myself. And I am losing it. I am slowly fading into a bitter, pessimistic fool of a woman. I don't know how it happened but I slowly started heading there when I was in junior high. My demons seem to always win.
Last night I cried out to God asking Him why He was keeping me here. I yelled and I screamed why won't you save me? Today I cried out to Him to help me move on past what is holding me back.
"Darkness doesn't have any answers." From personal experience I know this to be true so why do I keep going there? Because its easier but also somehow I think it will help me find what I am looking for. But it always just leads to more darkness and more questions. No answers are ever given.
You know God has this plan for my life and He wants me to do great things. I know I am supposed to help people. But I often ask that how am I supposed to help people if I can't even keep my own life together. It is always in a million little pieces waiting for me to cut myself. Some people are scared to ask God the hard stuff but believe me I ask Him. He already knows how I am feeling and what I am thinking anyways so why not tell Him.
As I look for answers I know that I have a lot to deal with. I have a lot of issues. For those who are worried, I am reading this book about trying to find my passions again. I am just trying to find me deep down in that darkness surrounding me. I try to take it one step at a time. One day at a time. Some days it will be easier than others to deal with. I write these blogs not to make you feel sorry for me. I write them because maybe it can help you know you aren't alone and to talk about issues no one else will share about their lives. Just know that happiness is a mood not a destination. Being hungry is a mood. And it's ok to be hungry. So it's ok to feel sad because it also a mood.
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