I know I haven't written a blog in awhile. Some of it is because I am broken. Most of it was I just didn't know what to say. But I think I found what I should talk about. Fear. Most times I am scared of everything. I don't want to fail. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want people to see me broken. I guess if people see me broken I think they might think I am weak, which I feel most times. People say I am strong. Maybe I am. But most of the time I feel weak. That I will break into a million little pieces. I have been hurt. Most of you who know me know that is nothing new. I tend to hold onto the past. The past not only has regrets but it has shaped me into who I am. Even the scared little girl who is trying to move on but is to scared to.
There is this fear that can stop you dead in your tracks. You get comfortable in this fear. You get comfortable being the overweight girl or the broken girl or even the victim. I would like to tell you I am all these great things because I am but I have given myself labels. I hate labels so why do I give them to myself? Why am I so scared of being happy? I feel I don't deserve it. I am comfortable not being noticed and just being in the background. But what kind of life is that? The kind of life I am used to living. Why don't I deserve happiness? Because I believe that people left me for a reason. I believe people leave because I don't deserve them. Twisted isn't it? Most times life is twisted.
A lot of people worry about me. I don't blame them. Sometimes I am very emo. I can get into this deep depressions where I have no interest in anyone or anything. It is something I am working on. I don't like to ask for help. I feel like it is saying I am weak or I can't do anything on my own. Why do we do that? Push people away because we want to be Superman. Yes our culture encourages it but aren't we supposed to be different. God calls us to be unique. I have always seen myself as unique. I hurt more than others. I laugh more than others. I try to find my own way and my own passions.
But somewhere along the way I lost myself. I didn't deal with the issues. I didn't enjoy the little joys. So here I am writing this a lesser person than I could be. Everyone sees this potential in me to be better. I could be someone great. But we all have demons. We all have things that keep us from greatness. I have these regrets and this crippling fear. The only person stopping me from greatness is me. All the other people who have hurt me or that I have hurt are irrelevant. But somehow I always get in the way. My head takes over where my heart should be leading me. My heart breaks. I am one of those people that when I get hurt or when things go wrong my heart literally aches. Some say I am deep. I say I am deep but also very complex. There is a lot to me. I am intelligent, kind, loving, loyal, hard working, good listener, athletic, strong, funny, and fun. I am also weak, selfish, over analyze things, pessimist, sometimes hard to read, stubborn, prideful, and put up walls.
These things are who I am. I know who I am. I am trying to let love in. I am trying to love myself. But after 23 years of people telling me I will never amount to anything or I will not succeed. People leaving me or people betraying me has taught me that I can't trust anyone, not fully. So I close off even from people who I know will never leave me. Deep down I think that if they knew my darkest secrets that no one knows that they will leave. I have a lot of darkness in me. It makes me want to scream that I can't get rid of it. But the truth is it will always be apart of me.
Right now nothing in my life is in control. The only thing I can control right now is my weight which is why I keep running. It helps me clear my head. And for that hour I am not in this lonely darkness. For that hour I am not trapped. I am free. Free from the chains that bind me down. Free from this war between my head and my heart.
Like I said people worry about me. I talk about things like how dark of a place I am. I talk about my depression. That freaks people out because they automatically think that is code for I am going to kill myself. I don't blame people for worrying. I just don't see anyone trying to come and take me out to help me. Or being there constantly to make sure I am okay. So if you are going to worry then do something about it. But in the end I am who I am. I go through hard times. I'm just glad I am dealing with stuff. I am not saying I will always deal with stuff because I don't know. I always seem to deal with it for awhile and then I stop because it hurts too much.
You say you worry. You don't know half of the things I am dealing with because you never ask. Did you know I miss my dad every day? Did you know I am bitter because you have your dad and I don't have mine? Did you know I hate my body? Did you know I feel so lonely right now I want to cry? That is just a few things I am dealing with. You worry but you don't know me. Not really. Maybe it's my fault but maybe you don't care as much as you say.
Fear. I fear you don't know me. I fear for my life. I fear for that future I could have but may not get. I fear you will leave me now. But fear isn't leaving. It is always going to be there. I fear that fear will always hinder me and maybe just maybe it will.
