"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."-- e.e. cummings
When you are at your lowest you have ever been and you are looking for anything to give you hope, this was my hope. I kept feeling sorry for myself and wondering why God was picking on me. I couldn't understand what more I had to learn. Then it hit me. What good is it really doing me moping around and feeling sorry for myself as if that would change anything. It wouldn't change the fact I was in a dead end job with no money and no one around me to really encourage me and support me. So I picked myself back up, brushed myself off, held my head high, and had the courage to seek what I needed to become who I really was.
Fear is very good at staring contests. It can usually win. It can stare us into giving in and letting it win, sometimes too easily. Fear to be happy. Fear to be an awesome person. Fear to be God's child instead of Satan's. Fear can stop us dead in our tracks and keep us from living.
I came across this movie, which I know was not an accident, and it's called It's Kind of a Funny Story. It has Zach Galifanakis in it. It was about this kid feeling depressed and was suicidal so he checks himself into this mental hospital where he meets very interesting characters including Zach's character, Bobby. As I was watching that movie I felt like I was looking in the mirror with the main character. I felt lost and depressed. I was wondering how I could handle life on my own. In the end, he learns how to deal with his problems. The most important lesson from that movie is just to live. I think this is something we all forget. We see what is right in front of us but not the bigger picture.
The bigger picture is just to live. None of it really mattered anymore. I just wanted so desperately to live. To just enjoy life. I started realizing none of this is going to matter in the end. Not the money, not the job, and not the people who hurt me. All that matters is living. Really living. I started realizing that is what God wanted me to learn. He was going to handle it so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. Before I knew it things were starting to come together and I was seeing things differently. It was all a blessing in disguise as evil.
Now I have an interview to use my degree, and at the same time my current job wants me to move to where I live so I would save money. I started seeing the beauty in nature again. I started paying attention to people who cared about me. I took on the task of courage to become the real me. The me who enjoys nature, photography, art, music, movies, and just living. The real me who enjoys laughing and smiling. The real me who is there for her friends and would do anything for them. The real me who is ready to enjoy life whatever it may bring her.
There are times I get sad and forget the big picture. But aren't we all like that. That is life. There will be hard times more than good times. I accept that because I know we are at war. God is fighting for us. We put on the belt of truth and go from there. So I wait for Him. I know it will get better. I trust God. He knows better than anyone what I need so to keep doubting Him would be ridiculous.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."--e.e. cummings
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Superhero
Do you ever go to sleep and wish that the next day things will be different? Tomorrow you won't owe money. Tomorrow that test will go well. Tomorrow you won't be so tired. Tomorrow good things will happen. Tomorrow it will all go away. Then when you wake up all those problems are still there. You tried running away before and you end up with more problems and the same ones you had. And now you are lost in this mess you created or was dealt. You didn't choose it but it found you.
Do you remember watching Disney movies and cartoons? Ok I still watch them. But do you remember when we were kids watching that stuff? We grew up in this fantasy of superheros. The prince is going to come and save us and we will live happily ever after. Or that we have superpowers and we will fight with Batman and Superman against bad guys and live happily ever after. There is this unrealistic notion that nothing bad will happen to us if we get saved. Then we grow up wishing and wondering when we will be saved. I wish it worked like that. I really do. I still dream of it sometimes.
I keep screwing up things. Life isn't turning out like I expected it to. And here I am crashing down like a tsunami wave into rocks. I must admit life is beating the crap out of me. Dreams I have are being crushed. My pride and heart are being beaten to death. I'm still searching for that superhero. To swoop in and save me from this life.
I start to think how God is a superhero. He has superpowers. He wants to swoop in and save me from this life. I just have to get rid of my selfish pride and let Him help me. I keep thinking but I screwed it up too much. I am not worth saving. Nothing will ever change. I will keep living in this constant battle of failures and obstacles. I know this is normal but I feel like I am being picked on. Now this might make some people uncomfortable but I ask God a lot of hard questions that no one else can answer. And when I am pissed off I tell Him I am. He already knows I am, why not tell Him? I have been asking why do I have to deal with so much pain? So much failure? So many problems? So many obstacles? I honestly feel like I am getting picked on. It reminds me of the movie Bruce Almighty when he calls out God. "The only one not doing their job is you!" He says later, "Smite me oh mighty smiter." I want to go out in the middle of the street and yell this a lot. But I also don't want to get hit by a car. lol
It makes a situation worse when you don't have supportive people in your life. I won't mention any names but they know who they are. You need people to build you up not tear you down or so caught up in their own life they don't care about you. It feels like we are all trying to kill off people so we have no competition. Since when is life such a competition? Well it has left me angry and unfulfilled. I know you can't fully rely on people but when you can't rely on others at all that is sad. I am tired of having people in my life like that. So I will do some spring cleaning and keep those people out of my life as much as I can. Under the circumstances, I can't quite ignore them completely. Anyways I feel like who we put around us will effect our moods and will determine how happy we will be. I am not pointing fingers saying that this person is making my life miserable. But it feels like that sometimes.
Do you remember watching Disney movies and cartoons? Ok I still watch them. But do you remember when we were kids watching that stuff? We grew up in this fantasy of superheros. The prince is going to come and save us and we will live happily ever after. Or that we have superpowers and we will fight with Batman and Superman against bad guys and live happily ever after. There is this unrealistic notion that nothing bad will happen to us if we get saved. Then we grow up wishing and wondering when we will be saved. I wish it worked like that. I really do. I still dream of it sometimes.
I keep screwing up things. Life isn't turning out like I expected it to. And here I am crashing down like a tsunami wave into rocks. I must admit life is beating the crap out of me. Dreams I have are being crushed. My pride and heart are being beaten to death. I'm still searching for that superhero. To swoop in and save me from this life.
I start to think how God is a superhero. He has superpowers. He wants to swoop in and save me from this life. I just have to get rid of my selfish pride and let Him help me. I keep thinking but I screwed it up too much. I am not worth saving. Nothing will ever change. I will keep living in this constant battle of failures and obstacles. I know this is normal but I feel like I am being picked on. Now this might make some people uncomfortable but I ask God a lot of hard questions that no one else can answer. And when I am pissed off I tell Him I am. He already knows I am, why not tell Him? I have been asking why do I have to deal with so much pain? So much failure? So many problems? So many obstacles? I honestly feel like I am getting picked on. It reminds me of the movie Bruce Almighty when he calls out God. "The only one not doing their job is you!" He says later, "Smite me oh mighty smiter." I want to go out in the middle of the street and yell this a lot. But I also don't want to get hit by a car. lol
It makes a situation worse when you don't have supportive people in your life. I won't mention any names but they know who they are. You need people to build you up not tear you down or so caught up in their own life they don't care about you. It feels like we are all trying to kill off people so we have no competition. Since when is life such a competition? Well it has left me angry and unfulfilled. I know you can't fully rely on people but when you can't rely on others at all that is sad. I am tired of having people in my life like that. So I will do some spring cleaning and keep those people out of my life as much as I can. Under the circumstances, I can't quite ignore them completely. Anyways I feel like who we put around us will effect our moods and will determine how happy we will be. I am not pointing fingers saying that this person is making my life miserable. But it feels like that sometimes.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Limbo
I sit in the corner,
And try to forget.
The darkness within.
It's too strong.
Sometimes I feel like I am mostly evil,
Trapped in a good body.
I sit there and stare,
At the person I once was.
There used to be something to her/
She was so beautiful.
Had it all.
The shadows and secrets became real.
Nothing could hide the pain.
No one could take it away.
Nights she would cry herself to sleep.
Days she was just getting through.
I would look at all the happy people,
And wonder what it was like to feel like that.
To know how to feel something other than pain.
It is no secret there have been trials and tribulations.
But there comes a point when fate is against you.
You were destined to be unhappy.
Put me out of my misery.
The ups and downs are so crazy.
I don't know what is real.
This blank stare is who I am.
Don't try to say it will be ok.
It gets better for awhile,
Then back to pain and sadness.
I try to find a cure.
But there is no cure for sadness.
Not even moments of happiness can shake this.
Do I accept this?
No one can give me a good answer not even Him.
I am lost.
Is this purgatory?
Limbo perhaps.
You ask me to try but my heart is scarred.
There is too much pain behind this fake smile.
This fake person standing in front of you is not something.
Nothing gives me hope but hope itself.
You ask me to try and I say I can't.
I will just go back to loneliness.
The answer to the pain is more pain.
Dumbest answer ever I know.
Do you ever feel so much pain,
That it's like being hit by 10,000 buses?
I feel that 95% of the time.
When I feel like I have gotten past some pain,
Here comes more.
I start to get overwhelmed and I am back where I started.
2 steps forward and 10 steps back right?
That's how it works.
Call me a pessimist or a downer.
Good things don't happen to me.
Period.
But you should see the small good things.
That isn't enough for me anymore.
If you are so great and powerful God,
Why must I struggle so much?
This has to be a dream.
It cant be real.
Is this real?
Is this really my life?
How much can 1 person take?
My mood matching what is going on outside.
It is raining and my cheeks are soaked in salty tears.
I used to believe.
But right now I don't.
It comes and goes.
Just like people in my life.
I am not asking you to feel sorry for me.
This is a struggle.
I sit here and wonder if you think I am crazy.
Or just in a lot of pain.
Either way I am stuck in limbo.
I want out but enough is enough.
A year of constant pain and turmoil.
Really?
Welcome to Limbo.
And try to forget.
The darkness within.
It's too strong.
Sometimes I feel like I am mostly evil,
Trapped in a good body.
I sit there and stare,
At the person I once was.
There used to be something to her/
She was so beautiful.
Had it all.
The shadows and secrets became real.
Nothing could hide the pain.
No one could take it away.
Nights she would cry herself to sleep.
Days she was just getting through.
I would look at all the happy people,
And wonder what it was like to feel like that.
To know how to feel something other than pain.
It is no secret there have been trials and tribulations.
But there comes a point when fate is against you.
You were destined to be unhappy.
Put me out of my misery.
The ups and downs are so crazy.
I don't know what is real.
This blank stare is who I am.
Don't try to say it will be ok.
It gets better for awhile,
Then back to pain and sadness.
I try to find a cure.
But there is no cure for sadness.
Not even moments of happiness can shake this.
Do I accept this?
No one can give me a good answer not even Him.
I am lost.
Is this purgatory?
Limbo perhaps.
You ask me to try but my heart is scarred.
There is too much pain behind this fake smile.
This fake person standing in front of you is not something.
Nothing gives me hope but hope itself.
You ask me to try and I say I can't.
I will just go back to loneliness.
The answer to the pain is more pain.
Dumbest answer ever I know.
Do you ever feel so much pain,
That it's like being hit by 10,000 buses?
I feel that 95% of the time.
When I feel like I have gotten past some pain,
Here comes more.
I start to get overwhelmed and I am back where I started.
2 steps forward and 10 steps back right?
That's how it works.
Call me a pessimist or a downer.
Good things don't happen to me.
Period.
But you should see the small good things.
That isn't enough for me anymore.
If you are so great and powerful God,
Why must I struggle so much?
This has to be a dream.
It cant be real.
Is this real?
Is this really my life?
How much can 1 person take?
My mood matching what is going on outside.
It is raining and my cheeks are soaked in salty tears.
I used to believe.
But right now I don't.
It comes and goes.
Just like people in my life.
I am not asking you to feel sorry for me.
This is a struggle.
I sit here and wonder if you think I am crazy.
Or just in a lot of pain.
Either way I am stuck in limbo.
I want out but enough is enough.
A year of constant pain and turmoil.
Really?
Welcome to Limbo.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Signs
Life isn't fair. Period. We are always thinking I should have got that job or that promotion or that guy or that girl or that time away. We see all these good people have bad shit happen to them. Sorry for those who like it PG. Those kids are hungry. These people keep having friends and family die. Etc. And then we come across bad people who always get what they want. Doesn't that just piss you off?
And I hate it when you don't get something and the immediate reaction from a friend is well life isn't fair so suck it up. Well first off I want to punch them in the face and I would feel tons better. Lol but seriously yes I know life isn't fair. I get it. I live proof that life isn't fair. I am not wanting you to feel sorry for me I am just pointing out a fact. I am living proof that life isn't fair. I have had 23 years of disappointment, failures, slaps in the face, and betrayal. You can't just tell me to suck it up. That is not effective. I am not going to just suck it up. What a good friend should say is well then why are you sitting around moping? Do something about it.
Hmmmmm I never thought of it like that. Here I was feeling sorry for myself when I think if you don't like it do something about it. I don't mean change what happened. Because honestly what's done is done and you can't undo it. I'm talking about standing up for yourself. Proving those haters wrong. That's right prove to everyone that yeah life isn't fair and it is really tough but you are going to get back up, brush yourself off, and hold your head high. So what you failed! So what you didn't get what you wanted! Are you alive? Enjoy what you have and push forward to doing better things.
I have this thing about signs. Kind of like street signs but signs that life sends to show you maybe that wasn't what you actually wanted or needed. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't get that job. Maybe God wants something better for me or maybe He wants me to be somewhere else. I truly believe that things happen for a reason. Just like you are reading this blog and something is going to jump out at you and you are going to use that.
Life is really messy. Most of the time it is utter and complete chaos. Nothing goes as planned. You get excited and here comes that chaos ready to ruin your plans. But do you notice that when nothing goes as planned is when things seem to come together? You start to realize maybe what you wanted and what you needed where 2 different things. And maybe your plan should have been to let chaos do its thing.
Lately my head has not been in any kind of organization. It has been here and there and everywhere. My head always goes fast but lately it is constantly going 300 mph. It ranges anywhere from being stressed to wow I really miss this person and I want to see them. It is in utter chaos but yet I feel like it is for a purpose. I am going to get something out of it.
No matter what happens I know for sure that I am strong, intelligent, courageous, and beautiful. Life is going to throw curve balls but that is when things turn out for the best when I am not in control. I hate being out of control. I will find anything and everything to try to get some control over something. But God says to trust Him and let Him be in control. I don't have the answer to why life has to be unfair. But I do know that God is beautiful. He can turn something we see as so horrible, a sinner, and turn it into something beautiful. The same goes for chaos and life. As I am typing this God is shaping me so that I may go into the world and show His love. It is hard to be mad or upset when I know He wants what is best for me. He wants to use me for good and in order for that to happen there must be bad. So take those signs. It just may be God trying to tell you something.
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."--Isaiah 40:31
And I hate it when you don't get something and the immediate reaction from a friend is well life isn't fair so suck it up. Well first off I want to punch them in the face and I would feel tons better. Lol but seriously yes I know life isn't fair. I get it. I live proof that life isn't fair. I am not wanting you to feel sorry for me I am just pointing out a fact. I am living proof that life isn't fair. I have had 23 years of disappointment, failures, slaps in the face, and betrayal. You can't just tell me to suck it up. That is not effective. I am not going to just suck it up. What a good friend should say is well then why are you sitting around moping? Do something about it.
Hmmmmm I never thought of it like that. Here I was feeling sorry for myself when I think if you don't like it do something about it. I don't mean change what happened. Because honestly what's done is done and you can't undo it. I'm talking about standing up for yourself. Proving those haters wrong. That's right prove to everyone that yeah life isn't fair and it is really tough but you are going to get back up, brush yourself off, and hold your head high. So what you failed! So what you didn't get what you wanted! Are you alive? Enjoy what you have and push forward to doing better things.
I have this thing about signs. Kind of like street signs but signs that life sends to show you maybe that wasn't what you actually wanted or needed. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't get that job. Maybe God wants something better for me or maybe He wants me to be somewhere else. I truly believe that things happen for a reason. Just like you are reading this blog and something is going to jump out at you and you are going to use that.
Life is really messy. Most of the time it is utter and complete chaos. Nothing goes as planned. You get excited and here comes that chaos ready to ruin your plans. But do you notice that when nothing goes as planned is when things seem to come together? You start to realize maybe what you wanted and what you needed where 2 different things. And maybe your plan should have been to let chaos do its thing.
Lately my head has not been in any kind of organization. It has been here and there and everywhere. My head always goes fast but lately it is constantly going 300 mph. It ranges anywhere from being stressed to wow I really miss this person and I want to see them. It is in utter chaos but yet I feel like it is for a purpose. I am going to get something out of it.
No matter what happens I know for sure that I am strong, intelligent, courageous, and beautiful. Life is going to throw curve balls but that is when things turn out for the best when I am not in control. I hate being out of control. I will find anything and everything to try to get some control over something. But God says to trust Him and let Him be in control. I don't have the answer to why life has to be unfair. But I do know that God is beautiful. He can turn something we see as so horrible, a sinner, and turn it into something beautiful. The same goes for chaos and life. As I am typing this God is shaping me so that I may go into the world and show His love. It is hard to be mad or upset when I know He wants what is best for me. He wants to use me for good and in order for that to happen there must be bad. So take those signs. It just may be God trying to tell you something.
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."--Isaiah 40:31
Friday, April 8, 2011
Battle of the Mind
So today I started off with some meditation with God and it was great! I know once I get into the flow of it every morning it will get easier. I am reading this book called Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I recommend reading this book!! Whether you are dead inside or not it is a good read and it will open your eyes and your ears to a lot of what God is saying.
In Waking The Dead, God is saying in Isaiah 61:1 that "I am here to give you back your heart and set you free. That is why the glory of God is man fully alive." This is what it's all about. He didn't come so that we would be dead and put in chains for the rest of our lives. But you know the enemy. "Make them so busy, they ignore the heart. Wound them so deeply, they don't want a heart. Twist their theology, so they despise the heart. Take away their courage. Destroy their creativity. Make intimacy with God impossible for them." Wow. I mean I knew Satan hated me. That's a no brainer but I have been letting Him persuade me into thinking I am weak. I am just this scared little girl who is so fragile that you have to be careful not to drop me cuz I will fall apart. NO!!! Satan has this way of twisting things to make it seem like that is who we are. My friends do not underestimate Satan EVER! I do it too. I think it must be true since it sounds logical or realistic. Even when Satan is in other people telling us we are not worthy. We aren't this.
Christians have the hardest time. Why? Because non Christians are exactly where Satan wants them. He doesn't need to worry about them. They are already lost and not wanting Christ. His business is finished with them. You know how a new Christian has the high of becoming a Christian for the first time and then that newness eventually fades and they find themselves in this battle with Satan. Now they want Christ and Satan can't have this so he does everything He can to drag them down and make them hate themselves and God. When Satan doesn't win he keeps trying harder and harder. I know this is like duh Liz I know this. But at least for me I need to be reminded every once in awhile that Satan didn't leave. He is very much trying to kill us. He hates us. Oh how easily we forget with life's distractions and our going fast world we live in. For me before I know it Satan somehow creeped into my mind and telling me how horrible I am.
What happens when good things start to happen? There is Satan. Telling us we can't do it. We are stupid and what makes us think we deserve it. We don't deserve to be happy. This has always been a struggle for me. Caring about what others think more than I should. Listening to Satan tell me I am a horrible piece of crap. Yep I have listened at times. I am working on it. I think it will always be a struggle because Satan knows my weaknesses. He knows I have low self-esteem a lot of the time. He wants to feed on that.
You know the more I think about it. How could you hate the God so much that you decide to go against God and the human race. To me it makes no sense. I mean hate is a harsh word. I have said it about some people and realized what I was doing to myself. Not even to that person. They probably don't even care that I hate them. I guess I just don't understand why Satan would hate us so much and God so much that he would want to make sure we go to Hell.
The best thing about this morning? I slowed down in this constant going and going fast world we live in with things to do up to our ears. I can't believe I didn't think of doing it every morning. I think next week I will talk about marriage. I know I am not married but I want to talk about my struggles with being ready to get married.
In Waking The Dead, God is saying in Isaiah 61:1 that "I am here to give you back your heart and set you free. That is why the glory of God is man fully alive." This is what it's all about. He didn't come so that we would be dead and put in chains for the rest of our lives. But you know the enemy. "Make them so busy, they ignore the heart. Wound them so deeply, they don't want a heart. Twist their theology, so they despise the heart. Take away their courage. Destroy their creativity. Make intimacy with God impossible for them." Wow. I mean I knew Satan hated me. That's a no brainer but I have been letting Him persuade me into thinking I am weak. I am just this scared little girl who is so fragile that you have to be careful not to drop me cuz I will fall apart. NO!!! Satan has this way of twisting things to make it seem like that is who we are. My friends do not underestimate Satan EVER! I do it too. I think it must be true since it sounds logical or realistic. Even when Satan is in other people telling us we are not worthy. We aren't this.
Christians have the hardest time. Why? Because non Christians are exactly where Satan wants them. He doesn't need to worry about them. They are already lost and not wanting Christ. His business is finished with them. You know how a new Christian has the high of becoming a Christian for the first time and then that newness eventually fades and they find themselves in this battle with Satan. Now they want Christ and Satan can't have this so he does everything He can to drag them down and make them hate themselves and God. When Satan doesn't win he keeps trying harder and harder. I know this is like duh Liz I know this. But at least for me I need to be reminded every once in awhile that Satan didn't leave. He is very much trying to kill us. He hates us. Oh how easily we forget with life's distractions and our going fast world we live in. For me before I know it Satan somehow creeped into my mind and telling me how horrible I am.
What happens when good things start to happen? There is Satan. Telling us we can't do it. We are stupid and what makes us think we deserve it. We don't deserve to be happy. This has always been a struggle for me. Caring about what others think more than I should. Listening to Satan tell me I am a horrible piece of crap. Yep I have listened at times. I am working on it. I think it will always be a struggle because Satan knows my weaknesses. He knows I have low self-esteem a lot of the time. He wants to feed on that.
You know the more I think about it. How could you hate the God so much that you decide to go against God and the human race. To me it makes no sense. I mean hate is a harsh word. I have said it about some people and realized what I was doing to myself. Not even to that person. They probably don't even care that I hate them. I guess I just don't understand why Satan would hate us so much and God so much that he would want to make sure we go to Hell.
The best thing about this morning? I slowed down in this constant going and going fast world we live in with things to do up to our ears. I can't believe I didn't think of doing it every morning. I think next week I will talk about marriage. I know I am not married but I want to talk about my struggles with being ready to get married.
Thunder
"No one is control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change."--Barbara de Angelis
Happiness. It is what a lot of people including myself try to find in this life. The mistakes people make, including myself, is that we look for it in all the wrong places. Things that seem like a good idea or seem to make us happy really don't. Think about it. Money. No matter how much of it people have, are they ever truly happy? Celebrities get caught up in scandal and drugs and everything they thought could make them happy doesn't. Their lives are empty and they keep trying to find something new to make them happy but they always end up disappointed and confused.
Everyone is so obsessed with technology. We get the next best thing but when we get it here comes something new a month later and we find ourselves wanting that. Eventually the newness wears off and we find ourselves looking for something else to make us happy.
When I went to Baja, Mexico on a mission trip last year to an orphanage, we had no technology. No way of contacting the outside world. Just God and nature and people. You know the basics. I had never felt so connected to God in my entire life. I had no distractions and I had no reason not to be with Him. I still long for that closeness I felt towards him. That passion I had every day spending time with Him.
One of my tasks for this week was to listen more and talk less to God. I did and boy did I get some surprises as well as some humble blows to the head. Some things He pointed out to me where that I am just a stress ball waiting to explode. I am distracted because I am so stressed because of money and because I have no money I am scrounging around trying to find some for food and gas, etc. Because of that my relationships are suffering. Because my relationships are suffering I am pissed off half the time. Because I am pissed off half the time I am always in a bad mood and I am constantly distracted. Oh yes it all leads back to distracted. Time and time again He is telling me to relax not only cuz He will handle it but because if I keep stressing as much as I am I will die because of it. I don't know about you but when I pictured myself dying it wasn't by stress. That seems so wimpy. I mean I want to go out with a bang. Literally or figuratively I don't care. Anyways I am getting off track. Thank you ADD!
Another thing God is telling me to do is slow down. I am going 100 mph down the wrong way on a one way street. I am tired, exhausted, sore, etc. Every day I need to meditate in Him and just sit in the quiet of His awesomeness. Yes awesomeness. Stop worrying about this and that and piling activities to the ceiling that are impossible to achieve. We are not superheroes. I know I wish we were not just cuz we can call ourselves that but because we would have cool superpowers and AWESOME costumes. My superpower would be super speed. Awesome I know. There goes my ADD again. We need to slow down and spend some time with God. So starting tomorrow I am going to meditate in His awesomeness.
I realized that I need to believe in myself more. This whole week God has been showing me through people and situations that I am an awesome person. Ok just to clarify I am not being conceited. Oh wait does that mean I am if I say I am not? Well you know me so whatever. lol God has been using me my whole life in many ways. It is just now in my life that I am realizing how much He uses me and how much He has used me in the past. You don't realize the impact you have on people. Here I was thinking I was this weird loser, which I may be. But I am a popular weird loser. No but seriously I am amazing, beautiful, funny, fun, godly, mature, selfless, hard working, good friend, great listener, good advice giver, etc. God keeps reminding me that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I mess up. I screw up. I am broken most of the time. But yet I am so beautiful in that. That is when I gain the most strength. That is when I am the most vulnerable to people. That is when I am most courageous.That is when I am desperately seeking God the most. It is a good thing to be broken. Wait what?!?! Say that again. It is a GOOD thing to be broken. We don't have to have it all together all the time. We were meant to cry, to fall down, to rely on other people, and to get down on our hands and knees and beg God to help us.
The last thing I am going to talk about is Satan. Too many times I let negative thoughts in my head and believe them. One bad thought comes in my head and I believe it. Forget the 100 other positive things rolling around in there. Nope I choose to focus on that one negative thought. That one that lets me know I am worthless, I am stupid, I am an idiot, I am ugly, etc. NO! I have to stop it. I just say no and I choose to believe what God says about me. This is a new thing I am trying. Am I perfect at it? No. But I am trying to change my thought process. Especially for us women, our society expects us to be perfect. There is this constant need to be perfect. Stop it! Stop it right now! We are not perfect, including men, nor should we have to be. You know that man Jesus who died on that cross for our sin? That is the reason why we can mess up, we can be broken, and we can totally screw our lives up. Because guess what? Jesus still loves us. Period.
So I know this was a lot to say in one blog but God brought a lot up to me this week. Like thunder I am going to make a big boom in this world. I will make a difference. Scratch that I AM making a difference. Stop stressing. Just let God handle it. When did He ever let you down?
Happiness. It is what a lot of people including myself try to find in this life. The mistakes people make, including myself, is that we look for it in all the wrong places. Things that seem like a good idea or seem to make us happy really don't. Think about it. Money. No matter how much of it people have, are they ever truly happy? Celebrities get caught up in scandal and drugs and everything they thought could make them happy doesn't. Their lives are empty and they keep trying to find something new to make them happy but they always end up disappointed and confused.
Everyone is so obsessed with technology. We get the next best thing but when we get it here comes something new a month later and we find ourselves wanting that. Eventually the newness wears off and we find ourselves looking for something else to make us happy.
When I went to Baja, Mexico on a mission trip last year to an orphanage, we had no technology. No way of contacting the outside world. Just God and nature and people. You know the basics. I had never felt so connected to God in my entire life. I had no distractions and I had no reason not to be with Him. I still long for that closeness I felt towards him. That passion I had every day spending time with Him.
One of my tasks for this week was to listen more and talk less to God. I did and boy did I get some surprises as well as some humble blows to the head. Some things He pointed out to me where that I am just a stress ball waiting to explode. I am distracted because I am so stressed because of money and because I have no money I am scrounging around trying to find some for food and gas, etc. Because of that my relationships are suffering. Because my relationships are suffering I am pissed off half the time. Because I am pissed off half the time I am always in a bad mood and I am constantly distracted. Oh yes it all leads back to distracted. Time and time again He is telling me to relax not only cuz He will handle it but because if I keep stressing as much as I am I will die because of it. I don't know about you but when I pictured myself dying it wasn't by stress. That seems so wimpy. I mean I want to go out with a bang. Literally or figuratively I don't care. Anyways I am getting off track. Thank you ADD!
Another thing God is telling me to do is slow down. I am going 100 mph down the wrong way on a one way street. I am tired, exhausted, sore, etc. Every day I need to meditate in Him and just sit in the quiet of His awesomeness. Yes awesomeness. Stop worrying about this and that and piling activities to the ceiling that are impossible to achieve. We are not superheroes. I know I wish we were not just cuz we can call ourselves that but because we would have cool superpowers and AWESOME costumes. My superpower would be super speed. Awesome I know. There goes my ADD again. We need to slow down and spend some time with God. So starting tomorrow I am going to meditate in His awesomeness.
I realized that I need to believe in myself more. This whole week God has been showing me through people and situations that I am an awesome person. Ok just to clarify I am not being conceited. Oh wait does that mean I am if I say I am not? Well you know me so whatever. lol God has been using me my whole life in many ways. It is just now in my life that I am realizing how much He uses me and how much He has used me in the past. You don't realize the impact you have on people. Here I was thinking I was this weird loser, which I may be. But I am a popular weird loser. No but seriously I am amazing, beautiful, funny, fun, godly, mature, selfless, hard working, good friend, great listener, good advice giver, etc. God keeps reminding me that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I mess up. I screw up. I am broken most of the time. But yet I am so beautiful in that. That is when I gain the most strength. That is when I am the most vulnerable to people. That is when I am most courageous.That is when I am desperately seeking God the most. It is a good thing to be broken. Wait what?!?! Say that again. It is a GOOD thing to be broken. We don't have to have it all together all the time. We were meant to cry, to fall down, to rely on other people, and to get down on our hands and knees and beg God to help us.
The last thing I am going to talk about is Satan. Too many times I let negative thoughts in my head and believe them. One bad thought comes in my head and I believe it. Forget the 100 other positive things rolling around in there. Nope I choose to focus on that one negative thought. That one that lets me know I am worthless, I am stupid, I am an idiot, I am ugly, etc. NO! I have to stop it. I just say no and I choose to believe what God says about me. This is a new thing I am trying. Am I perfect at it? No. But I am trying to change my thought process. Especially for us women, our society expects us to be perfect. There is this constant need to be perfect. Stop it! Stop it right now! We are not perfect, including men, nor should we have to be. You know that man Jesus who died on that cross for our sin? That is the reason why we can mess up, we can be broken, and we can totally screw our lives up. Because guess what? Jesus still loves us. Period.
So I know this was a lot to say in one blog but God brought a lot up to me this week. Like thunder I am going to make a big boom in this world. I will make a difference. Scratch that I AM making a difference. Stop stressing. Just let God handle it. When did He ever let you down?
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Horribly Wrong
Ok so I found something else to write about. As some of you know it has been about a year and a half since I have spoken to my sister. I think of her often. My heart aches for her. There are many times I wonder if she knows that I love her. I wonder how she is and if she has changed or stayed the same. I wonder if God is evident in her life. I wonder if she realized what she did wrong. I wonder all these things. When I was first trying to forgive her, I thought of all the things she did wrong. I thought of all the ways she hurt me. But most of all I realized how I never stood up for myself. I always let her walk all over me. She isn't the first person I let walk all over me. There are days when I let people do it. I let them use me and abuse me. I always blame them. I blame all these people. I never think what could I have done to stop it. But I finally put what my sister was doing to me to a stop. I stopped letting her walk all over me and stood up for myself by cutting her off. And the first time I decide to stand up for myself it all goes terribly wrong. I feel like the worst person in the world. I kept asking myself and God if cutting her off was the right thing to do why did I feel so horrible? Why did I feel so horrible about protecting my heart and for once taking care of myself? I am the type of person who cares more about people than myself. That isn't always a bad thing until I stop taking care of myself completely, which is what I usually do. That is something I am working on. It will be a process trying to have a happy medium. It is still a process to stop blaming my sister for things and to move on as well as wondering if she will ever change. I will always love my sister no matter what. If she got in touch with me today and wanted to reconcile I would be there in a second. At the end of the day even though everything went horribly wrong I did what what was right for me at that time.
Matthew 13:15 punched me in the face
Here I am feeling lost and confused as to how I got myself in this situation. But not only that I realized in that moment that I had not talked to God. And then I realized that I am not close to Him anymore. I started to grow sad and felt this big burden of shame on my shoulders not just because I wasn't close to God but because I had not even thought about talking to Him about this burden and stress. All these problems kept piling up and the simple answer was right in front of me all along.
I opened this book I was reading called Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I hadn't read it in a long time. In desperation, I opened it to find some ray of hope, something that would catch my eye and have me longing for God once again. I came across this verse. "For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them." Matthew 13:15
That verse punched me in the face hardcore. My heart is calloused. I do not hear Him nor do I try to see Him. I am so caught up in the negative to listen really listen. Do you ever just talk to God and that is all you do is talk and never just sit there and listen. Maybe just bask in His grace and mercy? I know I hardly ever do. It's like God do this and God do that. I expect Him to do all these things but yet I don't listen to what He wants me to do.
This verse put into perspective what I have become. How shameful and horrible it may be it is truth. I always want God to show me the truth no matter how bad, painful, or shameful it may be. So my task this week is to listen and see what God wants for me. I will update next week what came of it and maybe talk about something else.
I opened this book I was reading called Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I hadn't read it in a long time. In desperation, I opened it to find some ray of hope, something that would catch my eye and have me longing for God once again. I came across this verse. "For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them." Matthew 13:15
That verse punched me in the face hardcore. My heart is calloused. I do not hear Him nor do I try to see Him. I am so caught up in the negative to listen really listen. Do you ever just talk to God and that is all you do is talk and never just sit there and listen. Maybe just bask in His grace and mercy? I know I hardly ever do. It's like God do this and God do that. I expect Him to do all these things but yet I don't listen to what He wants me to do.
This verse put into perspective what I have become. How shameful and horrible it may be it is truth. I always want God to show me the truth no matter how bad, painful, or shameful it may be. So my task this week is to listen and see what God wants for me. I will update next week what came of it and maybe talk about something else.
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