Courage to Become Who You Are

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."-- e.e. cummings

When you are at your lowest you have ever been and you are looking for anything to give you hope, this was my hope. I kept feeling sorry for myself and wondering why God was picking on me. I couldn't understand what more I had to learn. Then it hit me. What good is it really doing me moping around and feeling sorry for myself as if that would change anything. It wouldn't change the fact I was in a dead end job with no money and no one around me to really encourage me and support me. So I picked myself back up, brushed myself off, held my head high, and had the courage to seek what I needed to become who I really was.

Fear is very good at staring contests. It can usually win. It can stare us into giving in and letting it win, sometimes too easily. Fear to be happy. Fear to be an awesome person. Fear to be God's child instead of Satan's. Fear can stop us dead in our tracks and keep us from living.

I came across this movie, which I know was not an accident, and it's called It's Kind of a Funny Story. It has Zach Galifanakis in it. It was about this kid feeling depressed and was suicidal so he checks himself into this mental hospital where he meets very interesting characters including Zach's character, Bobby. As I was watching that movie I felt like I was looking in the mirror with the main character. I felt lost and depressed. I was wondering how I could handle life on my own. In the end, he learns how to deal with his problems. The most important lesson from that movie is just to live. I think this is something we all forget. We see what is right in front of us but not the bigger picture.

The bigger picture is just to live. None of it really mattered anymore. I just wanted so desperately to live. To just enjoy life. I started realizing none of this is going to matter in the end. Not the money, not the job, and not the people who hurt me. All that matters is living. Really living. I started realizing that is what God wanted me to learn. He was going to handle it so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. Before I knew it things were starting to come together and I was seeing things differently. It was all a blessing in disguise as evil.

Now I have an interview to use my degree, and at the same time my current job wants me to move to where I live so I would save money. I started seeing the beauty in nature again. I started paying attention to people who cared about me. I took on the task of courage to become the real me. The me who enjoys nature, photography, art, music, movies, and just living. The real me who enjoys laughing and smiling. The real me who is there for her friends and would do anything for them. The real me who is ready to enjoy life whatever it may bring her.

There are times I get sad and forget the big picture. But aren't we all like that. That is life. There will be hard times more than good times. I accept that because I know we are at war. God is fighting for us. We put on the belt of truth and go from there. So I wait for Him. I know it will get better. I trust God. He knows better than anyone what I need so to keep doubting Him would be ridiculous.

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."--e.e. cummings