Limbo

I sit in the corner,
And try to forget.
The darkness within.
It's too strong.
Sometimes I feel like I am mostly evil,
Trapped in a good body.
I sit there and stare,
At the person I once was.
There used to be something to her/
She was so beautiful.
Had it all.
The shadows and secrets became real.
Nothing could hide the pain.
No one could take it away.
Nights she would cry herself to sleep.
Days she was just getting through.
I would look at all the happy people,
And wonder what it was like to feel like that.
To know how to feel something other than pain.
It is no secret there have been trials and tribulations.
But there comes a point when fate is against you.
You were destined to be unhappy.
Put me out of my misery.
The ups and downs are so crazy.
I don't know what is real.
This blank stare is who I am.
Don't try to say it will be ok.
It gets better for awhile,
Then back to pain and sadness.
I try to find a cure.
But there is no cure for sadness.
Not even moments of happiness can shake this.
Do I accept this?
No one can give me a good answer not even Him.
I am lost.
Is this purgatory?
Limbo perhaps.
You ask me to try but my heart is scarred.
There is too much pain behind this fake smile.
This fake person standing in front of you is not something.
Nothing gives me hope but hope itself.
You ask me to try and I say I can't.
I will just go back to loneliness.
The answer to the pain is more pain.
Dumbest answer ever I know.
Do you ever feel so much pain,
That it's like being hit by 10,000 buses?
I feel that 95% of the time.
When I feel like I have gotten past some pain,
Here comes more.
I start to get overwhelmed and I am back where I started.
2 steps forward and 10 steps back right?
That's how it works.
Call me a pessimist or a downer.
Good things don't happen to me.
Period.
But you should see the small good things.
That isn't enough for me anymore.
If you are so great and powerful God,
Why must I struggle so much?
This has to be a dream.
It cant be real.
Is this real?
Is this really my life?
How much can 1 person take?
My mood matching what is going on outside.
It is raining and my cheeks are soaked in salty tears.
I used to believe.
But right now I don't.
It comes and goes.
Just like people in my life.
I am not asking you to feel sorry for me.
This is a struggle.
I sit here and wonder if you think I am crazy.
Or just in a lot of pain.
Either way I am stuck in limbo.
I want out but enough is enough.
A year of constant pain and turmoil.
Really?
Welcome to Limbo.