Superhero

Do you ever go to sleep and wish that the next day things will be different? Tomorrow you won't owe money. Tomorrow that test will go well. Tomorrow you won't be so tired. Tomorrow good things will happen. Tomorrow it will all go away. Then when you wake up all those problems are still there. You tried running away before and you end up with more problems and the same ones you had. And now you are lost in this mess you created or was dealt. You didn't choose it but it found you.

Do you remember watching Disney movies and cartoons? Ok I still watch them. But do you remember when we were kids watching that stuff? We grew up in this fantasy of superheros. The prince is going to come and save us and we will live happily ever after. Or that we have superpowers and we will fight with Batman and Superman against bad guys and live happily ever after. There is this unrealistic notion that nothing bad will happen to us if we get saved. Then we grow up wishing and wondering when we will be saved. I wish it worked like that. I really do. I still dream of it sometimes.

I keep screwing up things. Life isn't turning out like I expected it to. And here I am crashing down like a tsunami wave into rocks. I must admit life is beating the crap out of me. Dreams I have are being crushed. My pride and heart are being beaten to death. I'm still searching for that superhero. To swoop in and save me from this life.

I start to think how God is a superhero. He has superpowers. He wants to swoop in and save me from this life. I just have to get rid of my selfish pride and let Him help me. I keep thinking but I screwed it up too much. I am not worth saving. Nothing will ever change. I will keep living in this constant battle of failures and obstacles. I know this is normal but I feel like I am being picked on. Now this might make some people uncomfortable but I ask God a lot of hard questions that no one else can answer. And when I am pissed off I tell Him I am. He already knows I am, why not tell Him? I have been asking why do I have to deal with so much pain? So much failure? So many problems? So many obstacles? I honestly feel like I am getting picked on. It reminds me of the movie Bruce Almighty when he calls out God. "The only one not doing their job is you!" He says later, "Smite me oh mighty smiter." I want to go out in the middle of the street and yell this a lot. But I also don't want to get hit by a car. lol

It makes a situation worse when you don't have supportive people in your life. I won't mention any names but they know who they are. You need people to build you up not tear you down or so caught up in their own life they don't care about you. It feels like we are all trying to kill off people so we have no competition. Since when is life such a competition? Well it has left me angry and unfulfilled. I know you can't fully rely on people but when you can't rely on others at all that is sad. I am tired of having people in my life like that. So I will do some spring cleaning and keep those people out of my life as much as I can. Under the circumstances, I can't quite ignore them completely. Anyways I feel like who we put around us will effect our moods and will determine how happy we will be. I am not pointing fingers saying that this person is making my life miserable. But it feels like that sometimes.