I know I haven't written a blog in awhile. Some of it is because I am broken. Most of it was I just didn't know what to say. But I think I found what I should talk about. Fear. Most times I am scared of everything. I don't want to fail. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want people to see me broken. I guess if people see me broken I think they might think I am weak, which I feel most times. People say I am strong. Maybe I am. But most of the time I feel weak. That I will break into a million little pieces. I have been hurt. Most of you who know me know that is nothing new. I tend to hold onto the past. The past not only has regrets but it has shaped me into who I am. Even the scared little girl who is trying to move on but is to scared to.
There is this fear that can stop you dead in your tracks. You get comfortable in this fear. You get comfortable being the overweight girl or the broken girl or even the victim. I would like to tell you I am all these great things because I am but I have given myself labels. I hate labels so why do I give them to myself? Why am I so scared of being happy? I feel I don't deserve it. I am comfortable not being noticed and just being in the background. But what kind of life is that? The kind of life I am used to living. Why don't I deserve happiness? Because I believe that people left me for a reason. I believe people leave because I don't deserve them. Twisted isn't it? Most times life is twisted.
A lot of people worry about me. I don't blame them. Sometimes I am very emo. I can get into this deep depressions where I have no interest in anyone or anything. It is something I am working on. I don't like to ask for help. I feel like it is saying I am weak or I can't do anything on my own. Why do we do that? Push people away because we want to be Superman. Yes our culture encourages it but aren't we supposed to be different. God calls us to be unique. I have always seen myself as unique. I hurt more than others. I laugh more than others. I try to find my own way and my own passions.
But somewhere along the way I lost myself. I didn't deal with the issues. I didn't enjoy the little joys. So here I am writing this a lesser person than I could be. Everyone sees this potential in me to be better. I could be someone great. But we all have demons. We all have things that keep us from greatness. I have these regrets and this crippling fear. The only person stopping me from greatness is me. All the other people who have hurt me or that I have hurt are irrelevant. But somehow I always get in the way. My head takes over where my heart should be leading me. My heart breaks. I am one of those people that when I get hurt or when things go wrong my heart literally aches. Some say I am deep. I say I am deep but also very complex. There is a lot to me. I am intelligent, kind, loving, loyal, hard working, good listener, athletic, strong, funny, and fun. I am also weak, selfish, over analyze things, pessimist, sometimes hard to read, stubborn, prideful, and put up walls.
These things are who I am. I know who I am. I am trying to let love in. I am trying to love myself. But after 23 years of people telling me I will never amount to anything or I will not succeed. People leaving me or people betraying me has taught me that I can't trust anyone, not fully. So I close off even from people who I know will never leave me. Deep down I think that if they knew my darkest secrets that no one knows that they will leave. I have a lot of darkness in me. It makes me want to scream that I can't get rid of it. But the truth is it will always be apart of me.
Right now nothing in my life is in control. The only thing I can control right now is my weight which is why I keep running. It helps me clear my head. And for that hour I am not in this lonely darkness. For that hour I am not trapped. I am free. Free from the chains that bind me down. Free from this war between my head and my heart.
Like I said people worry about me. I talk about things like how dark of a place I am. I talk about my depression. That freaks people out because they automatically think that is code for I am going to kill myself. I don't blame people for worrying. I just don't see anyone trying to come and take me out to help me. Or being there constantly to make sure I am okay. So if you are going to worry then do something about it. But in the end I am who I am. I go through hard times. I'm just glad I am dealing with stuff. I am not saying I will always deal with stuff because I don't know. I always seem to deal with it for awhile and then I stop because it hurts too much.
You say you worry. You don't know half of the things I am dealing with because you never ask. Did you know I miss my dad every day? Did you know I am bitter because you have your dad and I don't have mine? Did you know I hate my body? Did you know I feel so lonely right now I want to cry? That is just a few things I am dealing with. You worry but you don't know me. Not really. Maybe it's my fault but maybe you don't care as much as you say.
Fear. I fear you don't know me. I fear for my life. I fear for that future I could have but may not get. I fear you will leave me now. But fear isn't leaving. It is always going to be there. I fear that fear will always hinder me and maybe just maybe it will.
I hope these words reach you with open heart as I feel so strongly that they are not just my own.
ReplyDeleteI have read from your Blog time to time . The one thing that keeps bouncing out at me is how accutely aware you are about your faults and how others wrong you but absent in these posts seems any awareness or acknowledgement about how truly blessed you are.
For all that has gone wrong in your life, think about all that has gone right. Even the most tragic of lives has blessings that come to and through it.
You talk about your father's passing which I know must have been a tragic loss for you. I wonder, though, if you see the amazing and beautiful gift that your father and God gave to you with your Earthly father's passing?
From the way you write, your father must have been a big part of your life. I imagine he was kind, loving, supportive and nurturing from how deeply you seem to hurt for his loss. He sounds like he was a pretty great guy.
I knew someone like that once who died much younger than he should have. In his passing, I came to understand that life is so short. I too spent my life worrying about things like my fears but after his passing, I realized how much of my life I was wasting living in fear.
You say people believe in you and recognize dormant potential in you for greatness. I challenge you not to do what I was doing and waste the precious little time we have on this Earth. People will hurt you and they will fail you just as you will hurt and fail others. This is a reality of our Earthly world but it is not a reason not to try and do what you are called to do.
From the way you write, you sound like a woman of faith. It doesn't matter if your faith in yourself is strong, God's faith in you is eternal and everlasting.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.
(NKJV)
Live in a way that honors Jesus's life and if that seems to daunting of a task right now, live in a way that honors your father's life and what he would have wanted for you. I am certain he would want you to be happy, to confront and control your personal demons, and to try to be the greatness I am sure he saw in you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Be the amazing person you are called to be.
I love you so much honey!! And I want to give you a little advice about your first paragraph when you talk about the past. Please take it as experience talking and not a judgement on you in any way.
ReplyDeleteThe past is what it is. You can't change it, but you can learn from it. I understand the feeling of regret can be strong but those "regrets" should be considered learning experiences. They help you too see what you did and what you happened and how to do something different. We all need to learn from our past its the only way to have a future. If we do not learn from our past it is bound to repeat itself. So even though you have things in your past that hurt you don't regret them, it will make you bitter. Learn from them, it will help you grow.
You are right the past is what shapes you into who you are today. By letting go of the things that hurt you and by learning and moving on you can grow so much more. Remember what made the good times great, learn from what made the bad times bad, and see how far you have come.
You are an amazing person. I know you will do amazing things in your life. You make me proud to call you my friend.
So I feel really bad but I don't know who you are. I know you are one of my friends but I don't know who. Anyways if you could let me know who you are that would be great. Also thank you. In my time of need you really told me what I needed to hear. Thank you. I will be forever grateful for your words.
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