Happiness is a mood

"Happiness is a mood, not a destination."

My whole life I have been looking for happiness. I keep thinking that at some point I will get there. But then when I start feeling broken or lonely or whatever negative mood there is I feel so distant from this so called happiness. I look around at everyone around me and it seems like they have their life together. It can be discouraging sometimes.

But when I heard this quote: Happiness is a mood, not a destination, I started realizing how true that really is. At least for me it is true/ You can't just end up happy. It is always going to be a struggle. For me I feel like every day is a struggle. Ever since I can remember I have struggled. Whether it was to get a college degree or the loss of my dad or even people leaving me, I struggled. Right now I feel like I am in the biggest struggle of my life. Why can't I get a job I love? Am I ever going to stop missing my dad? Is this loneliness ever going to go away? Will I ever just feel happy?

As most of you know I am a pessimist. I would like to say I always have been but I remember a time when I wasn't. It was all rainbows and butterflies. I was also 10 years old and didn't care about anything but playing outside with my friends. I didn't have to worry about school or boys or what to do with my life or the constant battle of life. I find myself longing for those days where I was just happy and nothing else mattered. I was an optimist with big dreams like being an athlete and helping a lot of people.

I am not saying I don't have those dreams anymore but it sure is fading fast. The older we get the less we dream. The older I get the more serious I have become and the less funny and creative I am. I started losing me a year ago. To be honest I started losing me 8 years ago. Slowly my love and passion started to fizzle. I can't say there was a specific date, it just happened. Just like life just happened. People left me, boys dumped me, my family didn't talk about issues, and I avoided everything. I avoided it hoping and longing it would go away and I would feel some sort of joy once again.

I am 23 years old and this is the most lost I have ever felt. I get overwhelmed by all the things that I had done wrong or the things I don't know how to overcome. I see people all around me being courageous and strong and dealing with their pain and regrets. Here I am having the emotional, mental, and physical strength of that 10 year old girl. By the way that isn't a good thing.

Most of the time I sit there and yell at God and say it isn't fair. Why am I who I am? Why can't I just move past it all and be happy? Why do my battles seem so unfair? I ask all the questions that not a lot of people ask Him. Why are you picking on me? Where are you? What else can I learn from this because I don't see why I am still here?

I am not saying it is God's fault. I know it is mine. I keep putting pressure on myself. I keep being a pessimist and when things are going well I wait for it to all go to hell. I think for the first time in my life I asked God why I can't just accept that life is going to be hard and that I need to enjoy the little things? I hold myself back from that mood of happiness. I get scared so I run away. I hold onto things that shouldn't matter anymore. I stop finding my strengths and look for all my weaknesses. I put myself down because I feel like in the end if people saw me, really saw me they would leave. People are going to leave. Things are going to change. So why can't I accept that I won't always be happy but that's ok. Why can't I accept that people truly do love me and aren't going to leave?

The thing I was most afraid of was losing myself. And I am losing it. I am slowly fading into a bitter, pessimistic fool of a woman. I don't know how it happened but I slowly started heading there when I was in junior high. My demons seem to always win.

Last night I cried out to God asking Him why He was keeping me here. I yelled and I screamed why won't you save me? Today I cried out to Him to help me move on past what is holding me back.

"Darkness doesn't have any answers." From personal experience I know this to be true so why do I keep going there? Because its easier but also somehow I think it will help me find what I am looking for. But it always just leads to more darkness and more questions. No answers are ever given.

You know God has this plan for my life and He wants me to do great things. I know I am supposed to help people. But I often ask that how am I supposed to help people if I can't even keep my own life together. It is always in a million little pieces waiting for me to cut myself. Some people are scared to ask God the hard stuff but believe me I ask Him. He already knows how I am feeling and what I am thinking anyways so why not tell Him.

As I look for answers I know that I have a lot to deal with. I have a lot of issues. For those who are worried, I am reading this book about trying to find my passions again. I am just trying to find me deep down in that darkness surrounding me. I try to take it one step at a time. One day at a time. Some days it will be easier than others to deal with. I write these blogs not to make you feel sorry for me. I write them because maybe it can help you know you aren't alone and to talk about issues no one else will share about their lives. Just know that happiness is a mood not a destination. Being hungry is a mood. And it's ok to be hungry. So it's ok to feel sad because it also a mood.