No Regrets

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."--Jonathan Larson

If there is anything I have learned about this life is to never have regrets. I could regret not dealing with my pain. I could regret not saying what I wanted to say to my dad. I could regret not realizing all of what I had. I could regret everything. But regret will not make it better and regret will not change the past. It will just leave you angry and bitter. I would know. This was me a a couple of weeks ago. I was bitter and angry and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I couldn't just move on.

I started reading this book by Jillian Michaels, a fitness trainer best known for being on The Biggest Loser, called Unlimited. It makes you confront your past, present, and future. When it made me confront everything and I mean everything about my past I was scared. There are some dark days in my past. There is a lot of pain in my past. But being confronted with all of this was allowing me to move on and let it go. Fear has this way of paralyzing but when you just want to get better and be better you will confront this fear. You have nothing more to lose so you face it. With tears, angst, pain, and anxiety, you face it. It hit me in the stomach at about 100 mph. I couldn't believe all the people I hated and the pain I felt from even little things as someone making a mistake that makes them human. This was all within the first 4 or 5 chapters. It really had me soul searching about everything.

I really had this aha moment. The anger was just suffocating me. The pain was exhausting. And the past was haunting. So I decided to forgive and move on. It wasn't worth the pain or the anger. When you are angry it only hurts you. Satan could be so loud in those moments of hate. He was telling me I was worthless, hopeless, helpless, and defeated so I might as well give up.

I must say I am the happiest I have ever been because for the first time I dug deep and found a lot of darkness. I was scared to feel it all. But I was just to the point where I spent too many nights crying and too many days being unhappy. I was done being that person who was a victim. It was my choice of who I could be. No more blaming this person and that person. It was up to me to be better. It was up to me what I wanted to be. Not these people that hurt me.

I know that my whole life I have had ups and downs and the downs got pretty dark. But I know that this time is different with the up. I am still scared that I will hit a drastic down again but I know I have the tools to fight it. And I must never give up hope and never let take life for granted again.

This book is making me think about the future and find what I really want to do. I am not completely sure what that looks like but I am getting a better idea. I know my future looks brighter and I am not stuck at this job forever. If I am still here there must be a reason. God won't keep me here for nothing. He has a plan for me in this. Even if I don't see it, there is a plan.

I am not cured. I still hurt. I still fail. I still fall. But everything is looking brighter and this big weight was lifted off of me for just letting go of what was holding me back from my future. And my downs won't be so dark. God is shaping me into something better and someone who finally has the courage to take on what comes next. I finally have no regrets about anything. From now on I will enjoy what life brings me. Light is filling my soul. For the first time I am following my heart.

"One's real life is often the life that one does not lead."--Oscar Wilde