Today

I started writing this blog so that I might help other people but I think the truth is I did it to help me. Loss of a loved one can't be measured. It can't be understood until you go through it yourself. I know I haven't talked about my father's death much. A lot of it was because it is so painful to relive. It still seems like it happened yesterday. With the loss came grief, anger, and realizing how short life is. One of the hardest things was when everyone else's life moved on. I was still stuck in the grief. I must admit I am still angry over it. I miss him every single day. I want to tell him how I'm struggling. How I am fighting to find clarity and understanding in all this pain.

Today I let myself feel the pain. The days lately have been so so. We all have our good days and our bad. Today was a bad. I thought being here in Columbia would make me happy but it isn't. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have aren't as close as the ones I had in Bolivar. It is hard to admit to anyone let alone yourself that you feel lonely. There is this yearning that won't go away.

For the first time in a long time I am not afraid to feel. It means I am alive. And as much as it hurts to miss my dad and my friends I am glad I feel something real. Today I don't care what people would say. I don't care if people worry. I don't even care if it isn't okay to feel this dark today. I just let it be.

As I sit here in tears I feel lonely and sad and tired. I feel angry and helpless. I feel worthless. I feel. That is what is important. I will just worry about today. Maybe tomorrow will be better and maybe it won't. But today I feel something real. I feel weak. I feel like I want to just cry. Today is today. Good or bad it is here. Tomorrow can wait.