How I Beat My Depression

I realized that almost 4 years ago I lost my dad. Even before I lost him I was so lost. I felt lost ever since I could remember. I never felt like I was good for anything or that I would ever find whatever it was I was looking for. I kept telling myself it was happiness but I am not sure what exactly I was looking for. A fairytale maybe? People around me who loved me for me? I was longing to love myself and to see myself how God supposedly saw me. I never thought I would ever see myself as beautiful or awesome. For one thing I cared too much about what people thought. So I thought I would start at the beginning. Keep in mind only a few people know all about my life. My mom obviously and a couple of friends. Some of my best friends don't even know all of this so this is a big step for me. I was born in Fort Worth, Texas. We then moved to Missouri. I was a happy kid. I loved sports and to roller blade. I was always adventurous and taking risks. I was crazy and funny. I was easy going and laid back. My life seemed great but once you read between the lines and once you really looked at my life there was a point when I just wasn't happy anymore. It was in elementary school. Believe it or not I was a bully in elementary school. I felt guilty about that up until recently. You can't take back the past but you can be better now. That is why I firmly believe that something needs to be done about bullying. I didn't realize until now, now that bullying is an epidemic how much it effects kids. It breaks my heart and I am determined to do something about it. I am not sure exactly what. I am working on it. Anyways I am getting off topic. I pushed people to the ground and I know the only reason I had friends was because they were all afraid of me. I know that I wasn't happy and I felt like I needed to prove how tough I was so I was a bully. Also I was a tomboy so I needed to be tough. I didn't know what I was doing I just felt like it was the only way to survive. Then I got to junior high and I started puberty. I started gaining weight. That was fun. I had been really skinny up until that point. I started eating lots of bad stuff and sat in front of the television. Why I expected to still be skinny I do not know. Oh man that started a whole bunch of other trouble. I was really mean to my math teacher. Back then I would say it was because I didn't like her. The truth is I hated math. That was when my hatred passion towards math started. I didn't understand it and I honestly didn't want to. I just kept thinking when am I ever going to use this? And except for the basics I have never needed to know how long it will take me to get from point A to point B if I am going 50 mph on a train. Huh imagine that. lol Anyways, when you get to junior high all the elementary schools come together and so you have a lot of new people you don't know. I wanted to fit in and I hated math so I decided to mess with the teacher. Well let's just say I was in ISS (in school suspension) a lot! I am sure there was detention in there somewhere too. Finally, my parents had enough. They told me I needed to apologize to my math teacher. Admit I was wrong? What? Apologize? I was so stubborn! And they also told me if I didn't get my act together they were going to send me to military school. That was my wake up call. I was like oh crap I don't want to go to military school and get yelled at and work hard. So I straightened up and as much as it pained me I apologized to my math teacher. She retired not to long after that and we joke about how I am the reason she retired. I hope not but it is possible. I was the devil to her! Anyways once I got my act together and started making friends who liked me for me I was set. Or so I thought. I was still really unhappy. A lot of it was my hormones but a lot of it was some of my family and the church I was in. For those of you who don't know I was a preacher's daughter so every eye was on me. No pressure or anything. lol So I started realizing how fake these people were I was going to church with. I must tell you I grew up in a small town called Mexico, MO. Everyone knew everyone and what everyone was doing. OMG it was so annoying. lol I'm not a small town girl. These people that I went to church with were so two-faced and backstabbers and oh yeah they judged you about EVERYTHING! For awhile I was anti-God because I was like if this is how He is I don't want to be a Christian. This went on for about 2 years. I was really lost even though I was very good at hiding it. I was longing for something more. I was always longing for more. My mom and I would fight all the time. It was horrible. I would cry myself to sleep over it wondering why she hated me and why we couldn't get along. I felt alone and wondered if she would ever understand me. Then high school came. It was hard at first but then I got the hang of it. The social part I got the hang of anyways. I wasn't popular and I was ok with that. As for the school thing, I realized how bad at it I was. That really depressed me. My sister was straight A's. I was B's and C's. I just accepted the fact that I was not smart. I was never going to be intelligent and so I would just have to live with that. My parents were pushing me to do better in school but I kept telling them I am never going to be intelligent and that they needed to accept that. I am pretty sure they had no idea at this point how much I hated myself. My sister was good at everything without even trying and I had to work my ass off to get what I wanted. It was unfair and I hated how I was always compared to her. This is when all my depression started. At that time I didn't realize that my parents just wanted me to be the best I could be and I wasn't. I was making all these excuses as to why I couldn't do better. I had so much hatred towards myself. Not to mention I had to go to a church where they judged me for everything. I literally got yelled at by a church member for wearing the wrong shoes. Really?? This is when all the suicidal thoughts started happening. I thought I am nothing and I don't deserve to live. I also hated how I looked on the outside. I thought I was fat and ugly. Who could love someone so fat? I honestly don't know why I didn't kill myself. I think a lot of it was I knew it was wrong but something inside of me wouldn't let me do that. I have to say before I go on, God was always there I just didn't realize it. I realized a little later in high school that those people at the church were nothing like God and that God wanted me to be me. I still didn't love myself. My mom and I were fighting constantly. The back story to my mom and I fighting is that my dad pretty much let me do what I wanted. So when my mom tried to teach me responsibility and to do better in school I rebelled. I am a free spirit who wants to do what she wants. Why won't my mom just leave me alone and let me do what I want? Well for one thing I didn't know what I wanted and she knew what was best for me. But at the time I hated her. I talked back and I was so hateful to her. I got really tired of being nagged all the time. It made me feel like I could do nothing right. Little did I know that my sister was the problem from the very beginning. She would manipulate you in a way that made you think you did something wrong. She was always making me feel terrible about who I was. My sister is more type A and I am type B. I go with the flow. I am easygoing and I like to have fun. I also am very funny. She needs to be in control of everything. And she was jealous of me. So she tore me down. I know she was jealous because she would always get mad for me being the "favorite." I was like I am not the favorite. She would get pissed about the little things mom and dad would do for me. Everything that happened and everything I ever got it was because I was the "favorite." She would do anything to tear me down and make it about her. I could never have a good moment without her tearing me down. It was always a competition. I didn't realize what she was doing though. Also she was doing everything she could to turn me against my mom. She would tell me all these lies about what my mom did to her and me. I believed her. Why would my sister lie to me like that? Why would my best friend manipulate me like that? Why would she always tear me down? I was the one to keep the peace. I didn't want to start anything so I kept quiet and shoved my feelings down because I didn't want someone to be mad at me. Oh my gosh I was so miserable. And any time I tried telling my family how I felt they would say oh I don't do that or they would ignore me and buy me stuff. So I kept quiet. What was the point? This is why I never had close friends or a best friend until now. I was always scared if they got to close they would see the real me and not want to be my friend or they would criticize me and tell me I needed to be like this. I kept people at a surface level and I was happy with that for awhile until I started getting really angry all the time. I had all these feelings bottled up and I didn't know how to deal with it so I got angry. I would get so mad I thought I was gonna punch someone. And then one day I hit my sister because she made me mad. I ran away to my room after and I saw this side of me I had never seen before. I was so scared. How did I get like this? I remember that day as if it was yesterday. My dad called to the stairs and he said he wanted to talk to me. I was like oh crap I am in trouble. He sat me down and he said is it true that you hit your sister? I said yes holding my head down in shame about ready to burst into tears. He said, "Liz I am worried about your anger." That was the first time I heard someone say they were worried about me. I looked up tears in my eyes and I said I am worried about it too. He said, "Do you need to talk about it?" I just told him I am so angry and I don't know why. He said," I am always here for you and if you need to talk I am here." After that I looked at my dad in a total different light. Not only was he the funny guy or the guy who let me have fun but he was the one person who got me. From then on I considered him my hero and my best friend. No one else cared enough to stop me and say hey you are angry and you need help. I remember crying to God so many times wondering what was wrong with me. I felt helpless and I felt like my life was hopeless. But for some reason my dad saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself. He was always encouraging me to be better and I didn't realize until that point in my life. And then the worst thing to ever happen to my dad happened. The church he preached at for 10 years and the church I grew up in asked him to leave. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could these people treat my father like this. After all he had done for them and all he put up with, this is how they repay him. I was pissed. And these people called themselves Christians. I didn't care about me. I know that these people were horrible long before they did this to my father. They would judge me and tell me how I should act. I would be out with my friends and they would tell my parents do you know that your daughter was doing this and she was here. My parents were always like yes I know where my daughter is because she tells us where she is going. What idiots! Anyways I decided a long time ago not to trust these people and know that they don't matter. My dad was talking about leaving for awhile and then before he can leave they ask him to leave. I was so mad. I couldn't believe it. I saw the pain in my father's eyes as he was telling us. I could tell they broke his heart. I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do and these people had won or so I thought. I prayed for my dad constantly. We went to a counselor to talk about it and all I could say was I'm just really worried about my dad. He gave so much and received nothing in return. He was the best man I knew. The most godly man you would ever meet and he didn't deserve this. I was mad at God for letting this happen. I was mad at the world and I saw my dad suffer every day after that. And then he seemed to be doing better once I was in college but it was just an act I found out but I will get to that in a moment. My parents had this rule that I had to go to college after high school. So at first I was gonna do it to please them but when I took a psychology class in high school and found out not only did I love it but I was really good at it. I knew what I wanted to do. My dad said that I would be a good counselor. I know he didn't say this but he knew what all I had gone through and so if I could help one person that would be great! He said it was because I was a good listener and I already help people. I had lost weight in high school so I was happy about that. I felt good and guys noticed. But when I got to college I was terrified. All these new people and I was away from my family. I didn't realize how hard it was gonna be. But then I made friends and it seemed to be going really well. The only thing was that I still wasn't dealing with my emotions in the right way. And I started gaining the weight back. It was a back and forth fight all through college. I would still bottle my feelings up and I would keep people at a distance. I have to say that I lost a lot of friends this way. And then I met Amanda Ward. When I first met her, I didn't realize until later that it was her I had met. I remember thinking once I met her again (and that time I remembered lol) that she is a Cardinals fan and she is really beautiful. Now I have this stereotype in my head that every beautiful girl is a snob. Lol sorry but I still do this and I am working on it. Anyways I don't know what it was but I was like this girl seems really cool. I had only met her for like 5 seconds but that is the vibe I got.  So the girls on my hallway were going to another girl's house for the weekend in West Plains, MO. I had just lost a group of friends cuz of some dumb stuff and I was feeling down so my suite mate Megan invited me. Now Megan was always inviting me to things and making me feel welcome. She is such a sweetheart and I am proud to say we are still friends to this day. Anyways she invited me and I thought heck why not? I could sit around feeling sorry for myself or I could go and hopefully have fun. Oh my gosh when we first went to breakfast before we left I opened up and just let myself be my natural funny self and I hit it off with pretty much everyone. I knew it was going to be a good weekend until we got to Nicki's house and everyone but me and Amanda paired up with someone. So I got to sleep in a bed with a stranger. I was like oh crap this is gonna be awkward. I don't know this girl. For those who don't know I kick people and move all around a bed at night. And I literally thought I am going to kick this girl out of the bed and she is going to hate me before this trip even starts. lol So we got into bed and neither of us was really speaking and so I thought I would warn her about my sleeping habits. I told her and she just laughed. I was like whoa I thought she was gonna be like oh great I have to sleep with this girl who is crazy and kicks people. lol But nope she just laughed and I am not sure what she said next but we just started talking about anything and everything about ourselves. We talked til 6 in the morning! No lie! I have never done that with anyone and I had never opened up to someone so fast and felt so comfortable around someone before. Needless to say we were inseparable after that. I got to know all those girls and we became really good friends. All of us are such good friends still. It is awesome when you find people that you just feel so comfortable with and you can be yourself. I will never forget that weekend and I will never forget meeting Amanda Ward. Seriously I could laugh with her which was my favorite thing. I could be my crazy self and she laughed and thought I was great. She made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself. That is true friendship right there! Not only that I could tell her anything and I never could do that with anyone. I remember thinking this is what friendship is supposed to be like. Now I am not gonna lie to you I was still broken inside. I still hadn't dealt with all my crap. So it would come creeping back. I would get depressed and I would shut people out. But Amanda wouldn't let me. She knew what I was doing was pushing her away and she wouldn't have it. She knew my crap and I knew hers. She called me out a lot. I had never met anyone who would stick around no matter what I said and no matter what I did. I remember there was one day where we just yelled at each other. I remember putting that poor girl through so much crap but she was still there. I was like God what the heck? Why isn't she leaving? Well I'm gonna leave before she gets the chance to. I know eventually she will give up and leave like everyone else does. She never did. I threatened to not be her friend anymore and I said a lot of stuff to hurt her. But she knew to just give me time and no matter what she never left and she would never let me leave. She never let me give up. I had never met someone so unselfish and someone with such unconditional love. To this day she is one of my very best friends. I love you Amanda more than you know! You were the start of something great happening in me! I was still lost but I was slowly realizing some things. Then my niece was born and I had this unconditional love for her I never thought I could ever have towards someone. She was one of the best things to ever happen to me. Then during my junior year of college, just when I didn't think things could get any worse the worst thing that I could possibly think of happened. My dad died. I remember that day and will remember it for the rest of my life. It was new year's eve. I woke up to my sister yelling Liz you need to get up we need to go to KC. I was like what? She said dad is in the hospital and we need to go now! I thought my dad never goes to the hospital. And then I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. i was like oh no this isn't good. On our way there, my sister got a call from my mom and she said that my dad was gone. He died. I couldn't hear what my mom said but by my sister's reaction I knew he was gone. She kept screaming, 'No! No! he can't be gone." I started crying and couldn't believe he was gone. I just talked to him last week and he seemed fine. I didn't get to say goodbye. There was so much I never got to say. I didn't get to tell him how much I loved him and how much he helped me. I found out later that he wasn't ok after all that happened with the church. He had a broken heart. He was very good at hiding that stuff from me. I wished that even more so I had told him all those things. But now he knows.The rest of the drive there seemed like forever. When we got there, all I wanted to do was see my mom. We ran into her arms and I remember her saying I am so sorry. We were all crying hysterically. When we went in to say goodbye to my dad, I saw him lying there dead. It felt so surreal. I kept thinking this has to be a dream. This can't be real. The only person in my family who ever got me and the only one who loved me for me. He was my hero and my daddy. God he can't be gone. Not now. It is too soon. He has so much life ahead of him. He won't be at my wedding. He won't see me graduate college. This isn't fair. He was my #1 fan. He was rooting for me from the very beginning. I didn't know what else to do so I just started texting people and telling them. No one could believe it. How could they? I didn't believe it. The days after are a blur. I remember being sad and denying it being real. I cried a lot. More than I had ever cried before. And then it was visitation. All my really close friends from college came and my close friends from high school. I was glad to have them there but I know I was just going to cry when I saw them. As my high school friends approached I thought ok this isn't so bad. You need to know that they only knew the surface Liz. I didn't open up to them. They only knew me as the funny crazy Liz. Not that is a bad thing they just didn't know that I am also emotional and I was totally screwed up and this was the cherry on top of the crap in my life. Then I saw my friend Josh. I call him Fattie. To this day I am not sure why we call each other that. It just happened and it stuck so we call each other Fattie. Anyways when I saw him I lost it. He was really close to my family. He knew my dad really well. There were tears in his eyes and when I hugged him I lost it. And then my college friends showed up. They circled around me to embrace me and I just lost it. They knew how this effected me. They knew he was my best friend, my hero, my #1 fan. And then of course there were people who showed up who didn't belong there like those awful people who kicked him out of the church and then tried to pretend everything was ok. I was just like oh please you aren't fooling anyone. But I didn't let it take away from my dad. At the end of the visitation there was a poster board of pictures of my dad and my family. All my friends were gathered around and we just stood around telling stories about my dad. We were laughing and having a good time. Honestly it was very therapeutic for me. To get away from the sadness even for just a few min. This was still surreal to me. I still couldn't believe he was gone. That night we went back to my sister's house to eat and hang out. My high school friends got to meet my college friends and vice versa. I warned my college friends about how if they thought I was crazy wait til they see my high school friends. They saw how we interacted and they were like oh my gosh Liz you were right! I was like I told you so! lol Some of my friends stayed the night to go to my dad's funeral the next day. Before we went to bed we interacted like usual and it was weird. I thought that I would just be so sad the whole time which I pretty much was but with your friends they can bring out the best in you. We were laughing and I was being my usual crazy self. It was nice. The funeral was when it became real to me. There is something about them lowering my dad into the ground that made it so real and so final. I went immediately to my group of college friends and just started balling. I could barely stand. They had to hold me up. I don't know how long I stayed that way but it seemed like a long time. Then we went back to my house and my friends had to leave soon after that. I didn't want them to leave mainly cuz I knew the sadness would creep back in. I was really sad the rest of the break at home. I remember I had to make the decision of whether to go back to school or take a semester off. Everyone was saying it is completely up to you. I prayed about it and thought about it and I knew there was only one thing I could do. I needed to go back to school. I worked to hard to give up now. And I knew it was what my dad would have wanted. He would want me to finish my education. He would want me to try and move on. He wouldn't want me moping around feeling sorry for myself which is exactly what I would do if I stayed home. So I decided to go back. I was determined to finish for him. I wanted to make him proud. Even though I know now he was always proud of me. When I got there, everyone knew. I got the usual I am so sorry followed by the pity look. And then they finished with how are you doing? It was ok at first but then it got really old really fast. So I stopped talking about it after the main people knew. I really wanted to tell people I just lost my dad. How do you think I am doing? I started going to counseling for it which helped. I needed to talk about it. You know I am the person who keeps her feelings bottled up inside. Eventually, everyone moved on. I was like wait my dad is still dead! And it was like well it wasn't my dad. No one said that but they didn't have to. I felt all alone which honestly was nothing new to me. I felt alone my whole life. Except for my dad I had felt alone in this world. And now the one person I knew would always be there was gone. I obviously went into a depression not long after that. I had always felt alone but this was a different alone. I didn't think I would ever recover from this type of loneliness. I felt like no one could understand and no one knew how much it hurt. At this point the only people that could possibly understand where my sister and my mom but my sister would make it about her and at that point me and my mom didn't really talk. Plus the last time we were together my sister and mom were fighting over who got what stuff of my dads. Ok mostly my sister yelling at my mom about what she deserved to get. I was like my dad just died and you only care about his stuff? What is wrong with you? So yep I felt totally alone. I would cry to God to make the pain go away. I prayed that I could just die too. I started having panic attacks which was fun and I would have flashbacks of seeing my dad die. I had never had that happen before and it was really hard to concentrate. I am lucky I survived that semester of school. When my dad died, I didn't want to live anymore. Plus there were so many things I never got to say to my dad. I took my dad for granted and I felt guilty about that. I never told him how much he meant to me and how because of him I didn't commit suicide. Then I started thinking about all the people he impacted in his life that he had no idea about and neither did I. There were people there at his visitation and funeral that I had never met who were impacted by him. They would tell us how great he was and how he helped them. At the funeral, people gave their life to God because of him. That is how great of a man he was. And honestly it wouldn't have been my dad's funeral if no one had accepted Christ. I had decided that if I could be half the person he was I would be happy. I started realizing the impacts I had made on people not even realizing. I wanted to be my dad when I grew up. I wanted to change the world. I wanted to help people. I stayed with my sister that summer and realized a lot about her I never realized before. I was out with friends a lot so my sister complained about how I was never there. So I spent time with them more and she got mad because I wasn't acting like she thought I should be acting like. I just couldn't win. I was like well I lost my dad so I am depressed. I am sorry I can't be sad? Who died and made you the feelings police? And more and more she would say you need to be acting like this and you need to be like this. I was like what is wrong with you? Why can't I be myself? On top of that her and my brother in law were talking bad about me to my mom. Then came "The Intervention." Without telling my mom what was going on she just told her to come by and they were going to have an intervention for me. Had I known I wouldn't have stuck around to hear what they had to say. That is probably why they ambushed me with no warning. My sister said things like you are acting this way and you need to stop. Well she pushed me too far and we started fighting. I mean it was yelling and screaming. I know I said something like this is my life and you need to back off. She got mad and left the house. I don't know where she went but I was pissed. The nice person that I am wanted to work it out. So when she came back she said I am just worried about you. I was thinking you couldn't start off with that instead of attacking me? I was like look I just lost my dad and I am depressed. I am not happy. And she seemed genuine but i knew it was fake. But little did she know I had enough with her BS! I don't know how it happened but my mom and I decided to have lunch or dinner. We started talking and I randomly brought up what happened which I now call "The Intervention" (dum dum dum) lol Anyways she started telling me about how she had no idea what was going on and that had she known that was gonna go down she wouldn't have been there. For the first time, I saw my mom in a different way. We started talking about how my sister lied a lot. We realized she had been trying to keep us apart my whole life. She would tell me lies about my mother and these stories that seem so ridiculous now. I was like why didn't we do this before? Well I think we were both scared not just of my sister but of knowing the truth. Once I talked to my mom all the puzzle pieces fit together. Everything that I had been feeling about myself started making sense. I could go back to the very first time I felt alone or I hated myself and somehow it connected to how my sister made me feel. Not only was I like whoa but I was like I am not gonna take this anymore. I have had enough of people pushing me around especially my sister. I was tired of being depressed all the time. I was tired of feeling hopeless and helpless. I didn't want to hate myself. I wanted to live and not just exist. From that moment on my mom and I had a totally different relationship. What I wanted ever since I could remember was for my mom and I to be close. I never could understand why my mom hated me which in fact was quite the opposite. Finally God had answered my prayers! Now to deal with this sister thing. I prayed about it and thought about it and I knew there was only one right thing to do here. I had to cut her off from me completely. The only problem was my niece. I wouldn't be in her life. God kept telling me Liz I know you love her and you always will but you have to do what is best for you. For the first time, was I really doing what was best for me? Yes I was! I told my mom what I was going to do. She knew it was the right thing for me and she supported me. I told her I have to do this. If you want to be in her life that is up to you but I can't do it anymore. I could tell my mom was torn. I told her nothing was going to change between us no matter what she decided to do. So I lied to my sister and said I was going to take some stuff I wasn't going to use to my mom's house. I knew that if I told my sister the truth she would have tried to convince me to stay and to not do this and I didn't know if I was strong enough to say no. Plus my sister would try to use physical force if she could. I ended up taking everything. I also told her I was going to stay with my mom until school started back up again. My niece watched me pack up my stuff not knowing that she probably wouldn't ever see me again. It took everything in me not to change my mind so I could be in her life. So she had one sane person being an influence. But I knew I had to do this for me. So I said my goodbyes, them not knowing it would probably be forever, and then I hugged Jazzmyn as tight as I could. I told her I loved her and in my head I said I will always love you. I didn't want it to be to obvious so I let go and left. I walked out that door for the last time. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do was walk away from my niece. I felt like I was abandoning her, like I was feeding her to the wolves. I felt guilty. But I knew that when you do the right thing for you sometimes it is hard and sometimes it has to be the hardest thing you ever have to do. When I went back to school, I didn't contact my sister. A week later, she called me and asked what was up with me since I didn't call her or text her. I said look I am sorry but you can't be in my life anymore. I can't talk about it right now but that is how it has to be. She begged me to listen to her but I couldn't. Remember she was a master manipulator. So I hung up as fast as I could. She called me back and I ignored the call and she left me a voicemail. I listened to it and she tried to tell me that she didn't know what she would do without me. The master manipulator that she is started saying I can't believe you would walk out on Jothi (my brother in law) and Jazzmyn. I didn't care about my brother in law. He was an asshole and even though I hadn't mentioned him much until now he was part of the reason why I left. He would say bad things about me and my sister would threaten to kick me out and I said fine then do it and she "said" she changed his mind so I should be grateful. I was like grateful for what? Your lies? Your deceit? Your "supposed" standing up for me. And as for Jazzmyn, how dare you use your daughter like that to try and manipulate me. I did feel guilty about Jazzmyn but after that stunt I knew in that moment I did the right thing. The awkward thing is we decided to do a heart walk in memory of my dad which was the next weekend. My mom and I decided to go even though I knew how awkward it would be my sister being there. When we got there, my mom and I said hi to Jazzmyn but she was acting weird. She didn't seem like she wanted to be around us. I don't know what my sister did but she seemed brainwashed. Anyways my sister didn't talk to me of course and I decided to walk with my friend Leah. And my mom walked with her friends. After the walk, we got out of there as fast as we could so we didn't have to deal with the drama. And after that I never talked to my sister again. After I cut off my sister she cut off my mom. My mom let me live with her on breaks and my mom let me stay with her before I went back to school and that made her the devil? I am her daughter too. And all my mom was doing was letting me live with her. My mom never took my side like my sister seems to think. My mom wanted my sister in her life. But no my sister had to be mean and cruel like always to my mother. So she cut her off and wanted nothing to do with her. I felt really guilty. I started rethinking my decision. If this was going to hurt my mom I didn't want to do it. But my mom said, and this I will never forget, Liz you did what you had to do. I don't blame you. She made her choice. It hurts but she made her mind up about me a long time ago. Not long after that my brother in law put up this hateful note up about my mother and how horrible of a person she was. It talked about all these lies about what went down between my sister and I. It went on to say the only reason I wanted my mom around was for the money. It ended with how grateful he was for the people still in Jazzmyn's life who truly care about her. My name and my mother's name was not mentioned obviously. I WAS PISSED!!! What the heck?? That was not the truth!! I love Jazzmyn more than anything and it had nothing to do with her! My mom and I talked about it and we decided to just not comment on it nor say anything about it. If we did, that would make us just as bad as them. So we ignored it. But I still had this guilty feeling of this was all my fault as to why my mom is hurting. But to see my mom overcome it and realize how awesome she is and she doesn't need my sister made me feel better and eventually what I had done was not only best for me but best for my mother. She didn't deserve to be treated like that especially from her own daughter. But eventually I noticed how weighed down I felt with my sister around and I felt peace come over me now that she was not in my life. I knew I had done the right thing. I realized it was time to start living. Next, I graduated college so proud of myself. I didn't invite my sister for obvious reasons. I thought about it but then I knew she would be mean the whole time and find a way to make it about her. I was like no! This day is about me and I am going to invite who I want there. It was a joyous day for me. It was sad because my dad wasn't there. But I knew he was looking down on me so proud. I knew at that moment not only did I do this for my dad, I did it for me. I got to be with the people I cared about most and it was awesome. I had come so far and I learned so much. The diploma newness started to fade and I was asking myself now what? I didn't want to go back to school right away or at all for that matter. I always hated school so more just seemed so annoying. I figured when I graduated I would know what to do next. Nope. I had no idea. And here I was stuck at Walmart. I thought I have a college education and I work here? God help us all. lol So for almost two years I struggled to figure out not only myself but what I wanted to do with my life. And I went into another depression. Then one day I was like what am I so scared of? Of failing? Well it seems I have already failed. Did I die? No. So why am I just sitting here feeling sorry for myself? And then let me tell you I had my aha moment. You know that moment when everything starts to make sense. You realize you aren't alone and you never have been. You realize you want to fight for what you want. You want to be happy. I thought why can't I be happy? So I started on the journey I like to call the no fear journey. I started dealing with emotions I had never dealt with before. I started trying things I never thought I would try. I was living not just existing. It felt great and I couldn't believe after looking back on everything I had been through that I made it. That I am here and I am alive and I feel amazing. Now I am talking about joining the military so I can pay to go back to school. I never would have thought I would see the day. And I am losing weight which I initially started doing so I can join the military but now it is for me and it feels great! People ask me what I'm doing and I am eating healthy and exercising. I am watching my calories so I know how much to lose in a week. Who knew diet and exercise worked? lol And I can't believe the confidence I have now that I have lost weight! Guys are flirting and I am noticing! A little while ago, my family and I celebrated 19 months, ok maybe like 20 months by now, of no depression. Ever since then Satan has really been trying to mess with me. He keeps telling me how I am unworthy, ugly, horrible, etc. And my first initial reaction was to believe him. I decided to go for a run because by this point his voice was so loud. I wanted to see if I could just clear my head. And then I realized as I was running, I had forgot who I was now and I found myself reacting like the old me would have reacted. Then I realized what I was doing and I was like No this isn't me! It never has been. A wise woman once told me, my mother, that it is my choice. I can choose what to believe. I can choose who I am. I was like oh I never thought of it that way. But she is right. Mom, if you are reading this you get that once and all other times you are right I will deny it to the death. Lol I can choose to be happy. I can choose to believe the truth. Or I can choose to be sad and depressed and to believe these lies that Satan keeps trying to implant in my head. So there I was running and I realized all of this. So I started telling Satan No! I know who I am. I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am loving. I am the awesomest person in the entire universe. And so on and so forth. I could go on all day about how awesome I am but then I wouldn't get to my point of all of this. Lol Yes I was saying this all out loud and im glad no one was behind me cuz they probably would have thought I was crazy. Ok crazier than usual. Finally I said it is my choice. I choose to be happy. I choose truth. You can't push me around anymore. My God is bigger than you. I choose to believe what He says about me. So go away and leave me alone! Oh man did I feel empowered! Now you have to know that this is the first time I have stood up to Satan and actually believed he was wrong and I believed what I was saying was truth. Wow. Crazy I know. So you know what that did? Of course I got my run in but that's not what I was thinking until later. I was thinking this is my fuel to keep fighting. So I have been fighting and fighting. I will keep fighting Satan until I die. So I am reminded last week and these last few days that Satan won't give up that easily. That is why we must always have our battle gear on and our shields up. He could try to pull a ninja sneak on our emotions. He tried that this morning. And I did the same thing except in my head. I told him I know who I am and he can't mess with me anymore so go away!! I thought that this would be a good idea to write this blog to remember how far I have come. But also I don't want people to feel like they are alone in this fight. You are going to do great things and you are going to be happy. And there is Satan to try and tear it all down. But it is your choice. You can choose to believe him or you can believe the truth. We are all here to live and not to just exist. We are here to finish what Jesus started. We are here to love and accept even when it is hard and we don't always agree with people. Am I happy? yes. Do I love myself? Yes and I now see my flaws as good things. It is what makes me different from anyone else. And now I am making the outside match the inside. I don't see myself as fat or ugly. I don't see myself as stupid. In fact I don't put myself down anymore. And I am intelligent. I am just intelligent in different ways. Like I am artistic. I am athletic. I have common sense. Not a lot of people have this I noticed. Even though it is hard sometimes I enjoy working hard for what I want. God always reminds me that those people who don't have to try very hard for what they want, what could they possibly learn from that? Good point. I had never thought of it that way. I am very passionate and when I get set on something I will finish it no matter what it takes! I have to say that being where I am feels so amazing. I finally have the relationship with my mom that I always wanted. She is my best friend. I would give anything to have my dad back but I don't think my mom and I would be close if he wasn't gone. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that something that was so evil and so harsh could make something in my life turn out amazing and wonderful. When bad things happen, I let myself feel sorry for myself for one day and then I pick myself up and keep fighting. Feeling sorry for myself solves nothing. So I figure out how to use it as my fuel to keep fighting and to keep pressing on. I don't hold grudges and I tell people when I am mad at them. I am freaking out in my head but when it is all over I feel so much better and it never goes as bad as you think it will. I deal with my feelings now which is new. Sometimes I forget I am this new person so I have to remind myself but I am finally feeling like I get to choose. It is my choice and I choose life. I choose to live not just to exist. I choose to face my fears. That is what makes you courageous. I am a very unique person. One of a kind and I am proud of that. And honestly I don't care what people think. The people that matter won't care anyways. You are who you are and they will love you for you. As for the people of that church who hurt my father, God will handle that. He always does. It isn't my job to hold a grudge or judge. God will be the judge. I know that at times you can feel hopeless and helpless. But I am living proof that nothing, NOTHING will ever make you hopeless. You are worth so much more than you know. I am living proof that God wins. The darkness can fade if you let it. I am not saying you won't have hard times cuz you will. I always get tested. But how you choose to see that bad moment is the difference. You can let it defeat you or you can see how it is going to make you stronger. It will make you a fighter. If you see the positive of what can come out of it I think you can change how you view this bad time. I hope this helped someone. Even if not it was therapeutic for me to tell people about it. Take a deep breath, take it day by day, and know that you are strong and courageous. Life is waiting for you. Live don't just exist.