How I ended up here

I graduated college in May 2010 not really knowing what I wanted to do. I didn't really want to be a counselor anymore but I didn't know what I wanted to do. So I ended up at Walmart. For 2 years I searched and wondered if I would ever figure out what I wanted to do. Believe me it was the most miserable 2 years of my life. I probably filled put a million applications for anything and everything just to get out of what we employees call hell. And for the most part I heard nothing. I got maybe 2 or 3 interviews out of it. And still nothing. I felt like the whole world was against me. I cried many nights begging God to get me out and wondering why He was punishing me. I felt alone and I'm not joking when I don't know why I didn't just become an alcoholic. I have to stop and just say that my whole life nothing was ever easy and I mean nothing. I wasn't handed things. I didn't have the ideal family. I pushed everyone away because I felt ugly on the inside and outside. I prayed to God and wondered if He was even listening. He kept telling me to trust Him. But inside I kept thinking He hated me. How could a God say He loves you but always keep you in chaos and uncertainty. I had always asked these questions but for 2 years I doubted my God. I doubted that He was who He said He was. I doubted He loved me. I still loved Him but I felt abandoned. I felt trapped in this life that I never chose for myself. I never chose for my life to be this hard. These past 2 years I was tested beyond what I ever thought was possible. I absolutely positively started giving up on God. So I had to find the strength within. I had to find what I truly believed. The truth is though no matter how much I tried to get rid of the Big guy He never would leave. It was kind of annoying. Lol Anyways once I was happy on the inside I was able to make the outside better. But I was still unhappy with my job. I couldn't understand why God kept me there. So I would do everything I could to leave. But every time I didn't get another job God would say I want you here. I'm like really? Why? It always ended up with they need you there and you have to be patient. I'm like God do you even know me? I'm not patient. In fact I'm very irritated that you would keep me here. But little by little He would show me why I needed to be there. That annoyed me too. Lol Finally I had enough. I can't really go into detail but work went to far and I was like God either you get me the hell out of there or I'm gonna kill someone. I didn't care anymore about my job and I was doing the bare minimum. I was just trying to survive the day without killing someone. I'm serious it got that bad. Finally I got an interview for rainbow house. Back story on wanting to work with kids. I never really liked kids. A lot of it was I was never around them and some of it was every time I saw them.in public they were screaming and crying or being annoying. When my niece was born it was like this whole new world I had never experienced. I had this unconditional love for her. I had never felt real love until then. I knew I had never known what love was until I met her. I didn't even know her but this kid had me wrapped around her little finger. After that I loved kids. It was magic really. I was around them more and realized that there was more to kids then what I originally thought. Lol I went on a mission trip to Mexico to an orphanage. After that it changed me but I knew I wanted to work with kids. I wasn't sure how but I wanted to. Then I met my friend Laura's kids Jason and Lola and I was attached. Those kids changed my life and after I got attached I was like ok I think I can do this. You have to know that this was very scary for me. I knew I was good with kids but I was terrified. I had never trained for this. I hadn't been around kids that much but I knew this is what I wanted to do. The more I realized how.much of a kid I really was the more I realized I was born to work with kids. Then about 6 months ago my mom told me about recreational therapy. I basically get to play with kids who have behavioral and mental problems all day. I'm like yes that is what I was meant to do. So ever since then I've been planning to go back to school. 2 weeks ago I went into the rainbow house interview confident and came out confident. But honestly I didn't get to excited. I assumed I would never hear from them again. A week later I got a call saying I want to meet you because Camille liked you so I can offer you the job. I'm like wait what? Did I hear that right? Yes, yes I did. I was in complete shock. Once I realized what happened I did a happy dance. I started going through my head how I never have up even though I wanted to. I knew I was strong but I didn't know this strong. And it all made sense why God waited and why I got this job now. I was ready for it now. I was like well played God. Well played. As much as I hate to being wrong, God was right. He knew what He was doing all along. And I admit that had I done it my way I would have been unhappy. It wouldn't have been as good as Him being in charge. I never lost my faith in myself or my God. I wanted to give up many times but I never did. Deep down I kept hoping and believing that someday God would bring me to where I am now. "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."--Martin Luther King, Jr.