Horribly Wrong

Ok so I found something else to write about. As some of you know it has been about a year and a half since I have spoken to my sister. I think of her often. My heart aches for her. There are many times I wonder if she knows that I love her. I wonder how she is and if she has changed or stayed the same. I wonder if God is evident in her life. I wonder if she realized what she did wrong. I wonder all these things. When I was first trying to forgive her, I thought of all the things she did wrong. I thought of all the ways she hurt me. But most of all I realized how I never stood up for myself. I always let her walk all over me. She isn't the first person I let walk all over me. There are days when I let people do it. I let them use me and abuse me. I always blame them. I blame all these people. I never think what could I have done to stop it. But I finally put what my sister was doing to me to a stop. I stopped letting her walk all over me and stood up for myself by cutting her off. And the first time I decide to stand up for myself it all goes terribly wrong. I feel like the worst person in the world. I kept asking myself and God if cutting her off was the right thing to do why did I feel so horrible? Why did I feel so horrible about protecting my heart and for once taking care of myself? I am the type of person who cares more about people than myself. That isn't always a bad thing until I stop taking care of myself completely, which is what I usually do. That is something I am working on. It will be a process trying to have a happy medium. It is still a process to stop blaming my sister for things and to move on as well as wondering if she will ever change. I will always love my sister no matter what. If she got in touch with me today and wanted to reconcile I would be there in a second. At the end of the day even though everything went horribly wrong I did what what was right for me at that time.